Think being easily annoyed is a sin? Heh... probably not, but man, lately I'm all of the easily annoyed. I shall stay off certain forums, possibly LJ communities and away from my so-called real life best friends.

Our Lord and Savior on Facebook.

Have I gushed lately about how much I love Father James Martin's writing at America Magazine? Well, tonight he posted a piece about getting a friend request from Jesus. As always, it's wonderful. Go read it. Then go friend Jesus on facebook.

Sort of an Update

This was originally posted at the LJ and I'll probably keep that more updated on Dad's condition and everything else right now.

I feel like I should do a brief little update. After spending the whole day in the ER, he was admitted about 5 and was sleeping when Mom and I went to check on him. He's totally out of it, dazed, delirious and agitated. They have him in the Critical Care Unit so they can keep an eye on him. He has his oxygen pumping, he's got meds going and I think he's finally settled for the night. I really appreciate your thoughts, prayers and kindness. All the tests are negative for anything... organs were fine, and the other blood work was clean, no meningitis... nothing obvious. The doctor thinks it's probably a viral infection or something respiratory, though the chest X-ray didn't show a thing. The CT scan was clear, no bleeding, no signs of any kind of a stroke. He's got equal balance and movement on both sides, so they don't think it was that, not even a mini-stroke. There are no early signs or any kinds of signs of Alzheimer's, so they're stumped right now. He was still agitated and out of it but I hope with antibiotics, fluids, a good night's rest, tomorrow he will be better.

My mother's brother and sister and their spouses have been by to see him and us at the hospital and have been very compassionate. Her family, full of drama, does know how to pull together when needed. I've talked to one of my cousins-- I have two that I've grown really close to in the last year or so-- and am grateful to have them. Tomorrow, we'll call his nieces and nephew, his best friend and anyone else I think we should call. Still, I'm hoping he will be better tomorrow and it's not a phone call of worry and fear. And I'm praying that the doctors figure out what it is. The doctor said that several people roughly his age have been brought in with something very similar, high fevers, confusion and inability to know where they are or what is going on. He also said that we haven't seen a flu outbreak hit-- they tested him for the flu and that came back negative as well. I know he had a flu shot.

The one question they keep asking is if he drinks. He doesn't. I think he might have taken so many meds that's why they ask-- Mom said he was trying to take all of them today and I've mentioned my fears of over-medication before in here. I will sit down with all the bottles of meds and write them down and bring them to the hospital tomorrow. His doctor will be back in town tomorrow as well, so maybe some of this will get cleared up.

We left the hospital about 2:30-3:00. I dropped my mom off at home with the intention of coming back to get her about 4, but I ended up at church for some reason. I had a feeling it would be locked up at that hour. I think after the 11:30 Mass, it empties pretty quick and usually the priests will clear out, especially if it's the pastor, who might have celebrated two or three Masses already. Then at 4 people start coming again for religious ed, choir practice and teen stuff. Anyway, I pulled into the parking lot at the same time as one of the sisters-- who works with the kids. I introduced myself and told her I knew who she was though we had never formally met. She thought I'd come to hlep her with the teen stuff. I told her I'd come to sit quietly and pray. We talked about people we knew and then I told her why I was there at that moment.

I went inside and it was just me alone in this huge, beautiful church. The Christmas decor is still up, there were a few candles burning by the Nativity set that will come down tomorrow-- it's in the place where the Marian shrine is in the church usually. For just a little awhile a wave of peace came over me. I lit a couple of candles, one for my dad and another for everyone else I know who is having medical and health issues right now. When it rains it pours.

For a half an hour, I sat quietly, shared my thoughts with God, or maybe whatever other saint might listen. It was just a quiet moment. I listened to the church bells ring at three and then at three-thirty and no one came in while I was alone in there.

Those of you who regularly read this journal are all so varied in backgrounds, culture and faith and beliefs-- so hopefully this next part makes some sense. I can't explain exactly how or why I ended up back in the church of my youth-- I never stopped believing in God, but I never felt like I needed to have the church to believe. I certainly never wanted to join another religion and I never could wrap my mind around not believing in something bigger than ourselves. But lately, it has been something that has become very important to me and maybe that's why I was compelled to go to the church today. I found comfort there and later, when talking with Sister Colleen, I knew that's where I had to be at that moment. She offered me some wonderful advice. It was nice to have someone I didn't know listen to me and just be there. She picked up on a few things I said the biggest being "only child" and she knew what that meant for me. Maybe she could see something in my face but she told me that I needed to take time alone for me, that while it seemed selfish, I need to do it. And maybe perhaps I already knew this, but hearing her tell me that it was ok to take the time for myself, made me realize that it is ok and that I shouldn't feel guilty, which of course, I always do. Yesterday, I made myself sick over not being there all the time. Still, I know it isn't selfish to take care of my needs as well. She also asked me to leave her a message tomorrow or Tuesday when I know how my dad is feeling.

I am so glad that I ran into her today.

I don't know what else to say... sorry for the rambling. At this point, I think he's ok. I'll know something in the morning and will post an update. I may not answer comments now or even tomorrow but know I appreciate you all very much for your kindness, compassion and thoughtfulness.

Monday:
The fever broke and by morning he was awake, alert, lively and grouchy. They moved him to a regular room. He had plenty of visitors and was doing quite well. I think he's still doing well but then about 7:00 two nurses rushed in worried because they said his heart stopped for 4. 9 seconds. There was nothing to indicate that had happened. He was eating dinner talking with my mom, me and my two cousins. Nothing! It was puzzling. Then my aunt and uncle arrived and he was fine. So, it was onto another room in the progressive care unit. He was all right last night, which puzzles me so much.

Today- Tuesday:
I haven't gone to the hospital yet. I'm so tired. I'm going to thrown on some clothes and go as soon as I finish this and my half-soggy cereal.

I'd like to see the doctor today. I suppose I could leave a message for him.

Things That Go Bump...

In the wee hours of the night, the darnedest things happen and phone calls before 7 am are never a good thing. My dad's in the hospital, he's got a fever of 102, is confused as hell and all the tests are negative. The doctors are stumped. They suspect some kind of infection and are doing an Spinal Tap or Lumbar Puncture to rule out spinal meningitis. He can't speak clearly, he is really out of it and hopefully later we'll know something.

Mom and I are at an internet cafe and a bit shell shocked. I'll post more. Prayers would be great if that's your thing,

Saving this piece by Father Neuhaus to read later. It came highly recommended from an a political savvy smart friend while we were talking on IM tonight. Or this morning. Father Z posted something about Fr. Neuhaus' conversion from Lutheranism to Catholicism. I haven't read much of his writing. I noticed at my parish library we have copies of "First Things" as well as copies of "America" on the shelves.

Tomorrow, before I take down my tree, I'll answer comments from yesterday. I got really sick today-- from family stuff, I suspect. I don't seem to be able to handle stress like I used to. It seems to manifest itself in my stomach now, instead of my shoulders, back and neck. It's not healthy to let it build and it's not healthy to feel so damn gulity either.

As of tomorrow, it's back to walking an hour a day, strength training at the gym three times a week (ok, I will build back up to this routine slowly), daily prayer and maybe writing in my newish- spiritual journal. I also have to set some limits with the parents. That will be hard.

Maybe my crappy mood is hormonal. Or maybe because of it, I just let myself go to that place where I don't like to go. I'm missing HIM again. It's been ages since I've missed him.

Just Like the Guy Whose Feet Are Too Big For His Bed

I totally feel like the world is falling apart. It's not political. It's not religious. It's not romantic. And I still have no control over it.

I don't do many poor little old me posts over here, so bear with me. Lately, it's a wonder I have any readers of my LJ. It seems like I'm making lots of PLOM posts.


That's my dad and me and my great-uncle's horse. It was one of those moments I mostly remember in stories. Apparently I was scared to death of the horse. Funny, because I grew up loving horses. Though, I was never fortunate enough to own one of my own. Funny, I picked that picture to go with this post because I'm feeling very much like that little girl today. I'm very scared of what's going on with my dad. For the last couple of days, my big, strong dad, whom I've loved and admired my whole life was not the man in the picture that I always see. He's been forgetful, confused and nonsensical for the last couple of days. He ends up falling asleep in the middle of conversations. It's frustrating and making me incredibly anxious and scared.

I haven't lived with parents since I was 18 but I usually seem them every day. Sometimes, two or three times a day. Often, I feel guilty , resentful and angry. Other times, nothing but compassion. I'm often sad and moody-- when it's not hormonal like today. I'm watching my parents get old and it's wearing me down emotionally. There are times, quite a bit lately, when I want to run away and not deal with my dad. There are times, when we have great days, wonderful conversations and it feels like it did when I was a little kid. The last time I remember having a good day with him was for the feast of the Immaculate Conception. We went to Mass and dinner after.

He's not really sick. His diabetes is under control. He has aches and pains. The thing that worries me most is his Asthma and probably COPD. I really suspect he's not getting enough oxygen and not sleeping. I know when I don't get enough sleep, I feel sluggish, forgetful and off, so I imagine for him the symptoms are much more pronounced, most espeically because he's oxygen dependant. His doctor doesn't believe there's any kind of dementia or Alzhiemers but still, I worry and fear the latter. One of my dear friends is dealing with the latter in her mother and so I know what she's going through and I fear it tremendously especially how he's been the last couple of days-- well few weeks-- I guess.

None of this is under my control and it's wearing me thin. He wants me there all the time. I feel guilty if I do something fun or planned. The thought of doing something that I want or like to do, is something that I just can't even fathom right now. I'm a selfish person-- I'm an only child. It goes with the life-- but I just can't imagine pursuing a particular dream right now. It's probably not something meant for me, only God knows that I think, but I'm having trouble accepting that.

I'm really not looking for accolades. God knows I don't know how to ask for help and I know that while I'm "woe as me", this is nothing compared to what my mother is feeling right now. In the last few years, we've grown closer. Mom and I were always friendly to each other on a basic level, but we also fought like cats and dogs that often I just avoided her. But she's struggling too as she watches the man she married 43 years ago drift away from the man she married. My heart aches and I can't run away.

Gacked from the headlines

Interesting opinion piece in the Seattle Times, have you seen it yet, Jen? In comments, my favorite words are brandied about... "Cafeteria Catholic" about the two authors. I am a firm believer in the separation of Church and State and I hate it when the lines get blurred. Catholic Bishops have an obligation to teach the faith to Catholics, but should also remember that not everyone in this country is Catholic, or even Christian and for those reasons I think they should not overstep their bounds. Certainly speak up and discuss those issues they feel are against Catholic teaching and are immoral but don't cross the line. I still find the Catholic and Mormon support of Prop 8 distasteful. I don't care how a private person voted, though I think it's shameful for anyone to deny civil rights to a group of people based on sexual orientation through the voting booth or by any other mechanism, but that members of my church acted so publicly fight for it, left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

If we were a theocracy, then this would be moot. Lately, it seems as though the lines have be muddied. JMHO.

I really wanted to post about the Epiphany tonight, but I think I'll do that tomorrow. If my wise men were traveling throughout the house they could officially arrive at my nativity set, but as I don't do that, they're already there bringing gifts to the baby Jesus.

There was a really cool special on PBS about the Wise Men or Three Kings. I think it was best special I've seen about them. It was called the Mystery of the Three Kings.
It beat anything I've seen on the ever-annoying History channel. Here's more info.

I also have yet to do the house blessing for the new year.

Waiting For PIllowcases to Dry

So, lately, (again) I've been revising my novel, my second one. To say it's Catholic is an understatement. Of course my main character spends the first half of it declaring how much of a heathen she is, she constantly gives her twin brother grief for being a priest and while she knows she knows she's not really a heathen and while her brother's vocation brings her pride, she won't admit it. It's not till she moves to Europe with her fiance and ends up in a country with an atheist majority that she rediscovers her faith, though I don't think she ever really lost it.

I just wonder if my journey back to the church mirrors some of what my character is experiencing?

I don't profess to be the next great Catholic writer, but I am writing about Catholic characters and Catholic culture. I hope in a realistic way. I'd like to think they're human. They definitely sin, they fight, they love, they make mistakes. They're flawed. None of them are perfect.

Just because it is a "Catholic" story, my story is not G-rated by any means. It's not squeaky clean, nor is it scandalous. I think it's just based in reality. It's just every time I sit down to revise or reread particular scenes, it amazes me just how much Catholicism has influenced the story.

I don't think that this is unique to my writing though. It's obvious that even in my first novel, my Catholic upbringing has influenced my writing, which makes me think about how Catholicism influences other writers, artists, musicians. I am working my way to that post I've wanted to make...but not tonight.

cross-posted to the writing blog.

Half Way There

Tonight I had a happy moment following my Catechism class. My students make their first confessions in four weeks and I think they are ready. We have one more sacramental class before that night but I feel like we've achieved something already. It amazes me how bright they are. They are getting the concept of sin-- mortal and venial. Most of them know their prayers. They have trouble with the Hail Mary, but they all know the Our Father, most know the Glory Be and they all pretty much know their prayer of sorrow. It's the one I don't know. I wish they could learn the Act of Contrition but apparently, it's too difficult to learn. Grr. I like it better.

It's truly a wonderful journey that I am making with these children. I'm blessed that I'm doing this with them. I want to grow in my spirituality and my faith and by leading them on this journey, I am doing that. There is still so much that I want to learn and so much I know I can teach the children, but I am now at a point where I know that I finally believe that I can do this. It's taken me awhile to gain the confidence in myself but it is a big responsibility and I just want to do right by them. And I hope that I am blessed to be able to do this for years to come.

Right now my words and thoughts are a bit jumbled but I wanted to post a little something about how I was feeling tonight after my class. I'll probably come back and revise and add to this post later. Meanwhile, I have a lot to prepare for Saturday's class, so we'll see how I feel after that class.

It Was Just That The Time Was Wrong

It's snowing again. Yesterday it was 50 degrees and most of the snow melted. Today, there was about an inch or two on the deck outside my bedroom. I really want to stay home, hide away from the real world and watch Supernatural. Besides, Dean now believes in God, it could be my spiritual experience for the day especially since I don't want to go to Mass. If I miss the 11:30 I could still go to the 5:30.

I also really want to take down all the Christmas decor. Now it's not making me happy. It's become a big pain in the you know where. My house is too little for a huge Christmas tree.
Ok... enough complaints, time to take a shower.

If You Don't Know Me By Now...

Suddenly, I get why jealousy/envy is a huge sin. Still, it's not an easy one to avoid.
And no, I haven't watched the Seven Deadly Sins on History channel. It happens all too often in real life to know what it is that I don't need a dumb TV show to tell me.

Jolly Old St. Nicholas

Remember I posted about the grinchy priest in Italy who ruined Christmas for many children by saying Santa wasn't real? Well, proof he exists (or at least St. Nick.) This was at my parish. See, he's real. And that means Rudolph is real too. Hee.

I think it's better to celebrate and acknowledge St. Nicholas rather than the commercialized Santa Claus, but still, I don't think little kids should have their childhood beliefs quashed like that.


Also posted to the LJ.

Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God

Happy Solemnity of Mary, Everyone!






This was the prayer we prayed at our parish today at Mass and I thought I'd share on this first day of the new year.

Act of Dedication to Mary, Peacemaker of the Americas.
Blessed Mary, you who carried the
Source of all Peace beneath your heart
and nurtured our Lord Jesus Christ into
Life,

Convince our hearts of the call to unity
and peacemaking
in our world today.
Give us a passion for the unity and well
being
of those entrusted to our care.
Give us a world wide awareness
of the pain of people hurt by war
and a firm determination to work and
pray for lasting peace

Heal those wounded in the past year
by violence, terrorism and death,
by expulsion from their homelands,
by the ravages of natural disasters.
Bring them home to a sense of peace and
security
the New Year.
Let the ongoing wars of our times
find their solutions
and finally come to the peace you have
promised.

You who gave birth to the Savior of the
world,
give birth to peace
in this time, in this hour, in our hearts,
our homes, our families, our city and our weary world.
We rededicate ourselves this new year
to be peacemakers
under your patronage,
Santa Maria De La Paz

Here's a nice post at the Western Confucian about Mary, the Mother of God.

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