Care and Comfort.... Hardly

We fired Presbyterian Hospice today. Little did I know there were more than five Hospice services in Santa Fe. I was fed up with all that they couldn't do-- when we were lead to believe they could do so much more. I had it with our "case social worker" too. She infuriated me to no end. When she called to "check" on things was the day I decided to fire them. I didn't want to talk to her anymore, so I just handed her off to David who explained how unhappy we were with their services and were lead to believe they offered more than we did. In the end, they seemed to push medication more than anything. It really upset me to the point where I started looking around at other places and made a few phone calls and set up an appointment with someone else.

I'm glad to be done with them. We've transferred our Hospice benefits to Del Corazon Hospice. And I hope for however long Dad has left, he will be cared for, happy and comfortable.

A Knock at the Door

So it's been far too long that I've actually sat down to blog. In the years gone by, I've had ups and downs with my faith, with my church and with how I feel about all of it. I've also felt that way about people in my life. I've had ups and downs with my own health and that of loved ones. I've lost a wonderful dog and am bored with my job.

In a nutshell, most of 2011 and 2012 have been both good years and bad years. I had hoped all the difficulties of these two years would wane as the days went by, but I find the difficulties becoming an old friend.

I think as I return to blogging, I'll probably fill in all the gaps about heartaches and healthaches that have affected my life. For now, I'll start with my dad and where we are. Last November his lung doctor sent him for a routine chest X-ray and discovered a small mass on his left lung. It wasn't officially diagnosed as Lung Cancer until January of this year. We were pissed at the lack of follow up with his lung doctor. He said he'd schedule tests, but a follow up CT Scan didn't get set up until the end of December and it was inconclusive, so another follow up didn't get scheduled till sometime in January and that lead him to getting the PET scan which showed the tumor. It was a bit larger. The aforementioned lung doctor was supposed to set up meetings with oncologists, but never did. I had to set up the appointments. Needless to say, this should have been taken care of back in December. We were into Mid-Febuary, but treatment was within our grasp. We saw a surgeon who recommended against it, but there was a radiologist in Albuquerque who said it was worth a shot. He took a week's worth of intense radiation, ending on his birthday, April 17.

By May, when he had a follow up CT scan we learned that the tumor was contained but not cured and that the cancer had spread to his liver and adrenal glads. We then moved to three doses of a chemo in the hope to slow it down. Dad tolerated the treatments. In fact, the steroids he was given gave him an extra burst of energy and he was feeling pretty good. But then, here we are. Three weeks ago, we started hospice.

We have been told we have at least 6-8 months with Dad. I'm hoping that we find time to spend together that is enjoyable, meaningful and happy. We fight a lot, but we also are incredibly close and the best of friends.

This weekend one of my cousins from Silver City came up for the weekend to see Dad. She was always close to him. Her sister lives here and she drops by quite a bit to visit. One still remains Catholic, the other has become an born-again Baptist.

Religion always causes tension in families. My dad is one who believes once baptized a Catholic, one is always a Catholic. He, of course, doesn't preach it nor does he lecture that to my cousin, but he certainly doesn't appreciate her subtle ways of trying to save his soul. I tend to be more contentious about it, but I've never confronted her either. It's her choice and she is happy, but I'm getting to the point where I might need to say something.

As we were doing a few things at the house today, helping Dad get comfortable in the new hospital bed, there was a knock on the door. I answered it. There were two strangers at the door. They were Hispanic, friendly and one introduced himself as my cousin's pastor and the other was just a member of the church or something. I probably immediately rolled my eyes upon introductions because I already knew what it was about. Time to save some Heathens!

The pastor asked if they could come in and meet my father and pray. I politely told them no thank you. While we appreciated the gesture, we were a Catholic family and would call our priest when we felt like it was time. I did not let them inside the house; I did not engage them in a religious dialog. I said we were strong in our Catholic faith, we had our sacraments and thanked them for coming out but dismissed them.

Then, when the door was closed, did I say how I really felt. I felt offended, irritated and angry, not at them, but at my cousin for sending them. She should have known better. The many times she tried to get her pastor to come over or to tell my father that he needed to be saved and he said was saved through his baptism, had his faith and his own way of believing that she didn't need to worry about trying to save him, but take care of her own soul instead.

Again, she knew we were Catholic. She attended my Wedding Mass, she knew we attended Mass regularly and that my father believed the same, but she doesn't believe Catholics are Christians in the true sense of the world.

My dad has a silent faith, but it's strong and I know he believes. He stopped going to Mass with us about a year ago-- his aches and pains getting the best of him-- but he truly believes. My cousin doesn't see that. She only sees the world through her narrow view from her Bible, and literally believes it's her duty to save souls. I don't believe that it's our job to save anyone's soul. I think we need to worry about ourselves and focus on living a good life through faith, works, charity, humility, kindness and love. I also believe we need to teach our children our faith, baptize them, catechize them, share with them our sacraments and love of Christ through His Church. We need show them and others the way of Christ through how we live our lives, by our actions, not by sending others to proselytize or demand that we find Jesus to be saved. I'm sorry but I find that offensive. Jesus is never lost. We lose our sights on Jesus sometimes, but he is always there, always living in our hearts, even when we don't think he is there.

And even if he didn't say it, the words credited to St. Francis about preaching the gospel at all time and by using words if necessary is a fitting way to live the Gospel. It is by doing for others and loving others that we show our love of Christ--that we show the world our Christian Faith. And maybe I don't show it often enough or maybe my cousin was just doing what she thought was right, but it certainly set me off and has made me think twice about my own actions regarding my faith.

I admit I've grown weary at times and I'm feeling on the edge. I'm not even sure I'm strong enough to get through the days ahead but we'll see. Maybe my faith is still there, coaxing me to go on, but it's a very private thing for me and I just can't outwardly show that I'm a Christian. If you know me, then you should know that I am a Christian by the way I live my life. And right now my life is focused on my dad. Maybe I'll find some strength as the days get harder and maybe I'll discover just how much I can do.

Saying Good Bye

Sunday, July 8, 2012, we had to say goodbye to our Sweet Estrella. She was a precious, loving and truly amazing dog. She came to me during the Cerros Grande Fire, when the city shelter emptied its kennels to foster families so that it could house Los Alamos pets displaced by the fire. I picked her out of a group of three or four dogs. She looked like the nicest of the group. She became friends with my dog Barkley and then some of my very good friends came for a visit from all over the country and she was pretty good. The worst that happened that weekend was one of my guests had and allergy attack and I think the air mattress collapsed because of the dogs. She fit in perfectly and I knew that I had to officially adopt her, which I did.

When David joined the family, she was smitten and he really loved her too. She'd be the one to keep him company in the mornings. She had a gentle soul and a heart full of love.

For the last year she'd been ailing and suffering from arthritis and a few other things. We knew time with her was getting short and finally, she told us she was ready. We took her to the vet and held out a little hope we could do something, we knew we were going to say goodbye.

David carried her to the 4Runner, wrapped in a towel and placed her on the bed. Iggy escaped and wanted to go with us. He adored her. He got to say his goodbye. If it hadn't been hot, I might have taken him.


When we got there, the office was packed. We didn't take her into a room. I hated to move her as she was comfortable and they were running slow, Sundays at the Vets are always mobbed. They brought her water and we sat with her. The vet examined her and did the procedure in the back of my car. It was the best place. She loved taking trips in the car. She had a lot of happy moments riding in my 4Runner.

It was hard letting her go. I think her passing was harder for me because we knowingly took her to ease her suffering. When Barkley died, I wasn't expecting it. He was suffering but it was a sudden and took me by surprise. Putting him to sleep was the best thing I could have done for him as well, but it was a painful decision. 

So, goodbye Miss Waggles, the Labrarottie with the velvet ears. You were loved and you will be missed.

x-posted to David and Maria, So Happy Together

It's Friday, but Not That Friday Yet

Photo Credit: Copied from the Archdiocese of Santa Fe Website.

For some reason I was sure I posted this video link to Fr. Martin's trip to Chimayo a couple of years back. It's a great essay about the Pilgrimage to Chimayo on Good Friday.


Watch here...  and here is the accompanying article.

Like the Deserts Miss the Rain...

Well, yeah it's Lent. And I'm feeling more and more distant from my faith and beliefs more than ever. Going through the hell of the last six months has left my faith shaky at best. I still hold onto the mustard seed in my wallet and I still hope that I can find a way through the spiritual darkness I've been wandering through for the last couple of months.

Lent is my favorite season in the church, culminating on the Triddum which really feeds my spirit. I think it's almost as spiritually uplifting as the Novenas are to me.

I slept through most of the morning again today. I'm fighting insomnia and I get my best sleep in the mornings. I hope that somewhere, deep inside of me, I find a light in the dark. It's not fun wandering in this desert.

Blog Roll Update

If I'm going to come back to blogging again, I thought I'd update the blog roll. I took off a few dead blogs, blogs I don't really read or endorse and  then updated the blogs that have changed locations. Next I shall endeavor to tackle the link list. That, I suspect will be more difficult.

It's good to see that some of the blogs and bloggers I really like are still out there blogging away. Cool.

Playing Catch Up

I've been meaning to make some entries about my wedding. I've wanted to talk about my health, talk about my faith that has been shaken as of late and other things that are suited for this blog.

So, about my wedding, I think I'll start with the readings we used during the Mass. It is always nice to be reminded of the day and the the words that were read on the day we got married. We spent quite a few hours pouring through the readings that were suggested in our little wedding guidebook. We wanted to find the right words to capture our lives, our marriage and our hopes. I think what we picked fit us. I wish I could post the homily our pastor gave on our wedding day as well. He said some profound and poignant words that also fit us.

Our Wedding Mass, 2/12/11

 

From the Old Testament. 

Allow us to live together to a happy old age.

A reading from the Book of Tobit 8:4b-8

On their wedding night Tobiah arose from bed and said to his wife,
“Sister, get up. Let us pray and beg our Lord
to have mercy on us and to grant us deliverance.”
Sarah got up, and they started to pray
and beg that deliverance might be theirs.
They began with these words:
“Blessed are you, O God of our fathers;
praised be your name forever and ever.
Let the heavens and all your creation
praise you forever.
You made Adam and you gave him his wife Eve
to be his help and support;
and from these two the human race descended.
You said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone;
let us make him a partner like himself.’
Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine
not because of lust,
but for a noble purpose.
Call down your mercy on me and on her,
and allow us to live together to a happy old age.”
They said together, “Amen, amen.”
The word of the Lord. 

From the New Testament:

And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection.

A reading from the Letter of Saint Paul to the Colossians 3:12-17

Brothers and sisters:
Put on, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved,
heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,
bearing with one another and forgiving one another,
if one has a grievance against another;
as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do.
And over all these put on love,
that is, the bond of perfection.
And let the peace of Christ control your hearts,
the peace into which you were also called in one Body.
And be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly,
as in all wisdom you teach and admonish one another,
singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs
with gratitude in your hearts to God.
And whatever you do, in word or in deed,
do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him.
The word of the Lord.

The Responsorial Psalm

Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

I will bless the Lord at all times;

his praise shall be ever in my mouth.

Let my soul glory in the Lord;

the lowly will hear me and be glad.

 Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

Glorify the Lord with me,

let us together extol his name.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me

and delivered me from all my fears.

 Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

Look to him that you may be radiant with joy,

and your faces may not blush with shame.

When the poor one called out, the Lord heard,

and from all his distress he saved him.

 Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

The angel of the Lord encamps

around those who fear him, and delivers them.

Taste and see how good the Lord is;

blessed the man who takes refuge in him.

Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

  2. 34:2-3, 4-5, 6-7, 8-9

The Gospel

They are no longer two, but one flesh.  

A reading from the Gospel of Mark 10: 6-9 

Jesus said:
“From the beginning of creation,
God made them male and female.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother
and be joined to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh.
So they are no longer two but one flesh.
Therefore what God has joined together,
no human being must separate.”
The Gospel of the Lord.

Where's the Love?

Recently, I got into a discussion with a friend on Facebook, who is married to one of my classmates. She's a Christian; a good example of what I'd call a Christian. In her post, we talked about how some Christians can be the most hate-filled malicious people in the world. I really hate to see examples of "bad Christians' in the world. I certainly am not a very good Catholic Christian at times, I recognize that I sin and fail many times but through my faith, through the sacraments, through Our Lord, and our Church I find forgiveness and salvation.  I just don't understand why such hate and bigotry is acceptable in in the world and especially Christianity. Oh yeah, we're human. But being human, don't you think we could be a little more humane?

I know it's a simple thought and not a very deep post but I'm not feeling overly deep today.

Can We Really See the Face of God?

Oh, a new site. My friend Fran who blogs at There Will Be Bread introduced me to "Picturing God" an Loyola Press website with daily images taken throughout the world that represent images of the divine. I would think most believers would agree that sometimes a certain sight be it a father holding a child, a rainbow or a majestic mountain depicts a bit of God.

Anyway, I'm adding it to the blog roll and I will probably update some links as I start blogging again. 

Stats Say A Lot

I haven't posted in this blog in quite some time.  I just looked at my feedit stats and it seems this search "Virgen de Guadalupe - Mañanitas a la Virgen 2007 - MEXICO" is hitting google and linking to this post I made three years ago.

I realize that tomorrow is the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe and here in the Americas, especially in the Southwest and Latin America, it is a big deal. I hope that everyone has a blessed day tomorrow.

Advent Thoughts

Testing, testing... is this blog on? I think I've asked that question before, or something thereabouts.  A lot has happened since I last posted anything. I really should try to catch up again. Let's see, I got married in a very romantic, very spiritual and faith filled Catholic Sacrament. It's been a good 10 months tomorrow, but we're on a rocky road right now over some health stuff. I'll make a separate post about it another time. It will be ok and the prognosis and outlook is good.

Our parish is doing quite well in taking to the changes of the new Roman missal. We still stumble as a congregation over a few of the parts and I really think the whole I'm not worthy for you to enter the roof of my mouth is the most awkward of all the changes. I'm not fond of "chalice" replacing "cup" in the Eucharistic Prayer, but in general, the changes really aren't so bad. It's odd to see the priests reading so much of the of the Prayer. They've actually put a small lectern in front of the presider's chair, as our priests are still not completely familiar with all the changes to their parts. They had a lot to familiarize themselves with, didn't they?

I'm still pretty conservative in a lot of ways when it comes to the liturgy. I dislike holding hands during the "Our Father" but will hold hands with others rather than be rude or seem aloof and not do it. I really dislike dancing. Grr... liturgical dance makes me cringe. At least when it's done at our parish, it's done outside of the Mass, but I just don't get it. I understand that dance is joyful and can show praise, but it just seems so out of place in the context of the Mass. I did mention somewhere recently I'm pro-Altar Girl, right? And I really take an issue with who has their feet washed on Holy Thursday, but I won't fight about it either way.

So... that's pretty much it so far. I'm going to try to drop by and post more often in this new year.
 
It's a little late to post this, as it is Gaudete Sunday, but it is one of the O'Antiphons, which are appropriate for the season.  Anyway, Happy Advent all.

Communion and Who Says Who Can and Cannot!

I'm thinking of jumping back to my blogging. Figures the first thing I post is about the Communion Wars and those who feel like they can determine who can and who cannot receive. A newish blog I've been following "Dating God" made an excellent post on the subject and I thought I'd pass it along. I must say having been in similar shoes as the Governor and his girlfriend, it's an interesting discussion. I must admit that when I do not receive the Sacrament of Confession for whatever sins I feel are necessary to confess to my confessor, I refrain from receiving the Eucharist. I was actually abstaining long before I lived with my boyfriend-then fiancé-now husband. (A little over a year before I felt like I was in a state of Grace again.)

It's a personal call and I don't think anyone should be judged for their actions-- other than by God-- and they should feel like they can always go to their confessor for absolution and a return to Grace without anyone else looking over their shoulder and declaring them unworthy to receive Communion.

Testing, testing... is anyone here?

Well everyone... this place has been truly quiet and the lights have been dim. I think my faith is still strong, but I'm not really much for writing about it. I have moments where I don't really pray or read much, but I still believe. I still have faith. I am actually feeling really blessed and grateful to God right about now. This year's Novena came and went. I didn't participate this year much. I went to a couple of Masses. I didn't take photographs nor walk in the processions. I was feeling a bit edgy and anxious and not like my normal self.

Anxiety and stress have come calling in my life and I'm working through them the best I can. I need to return to my workouts and my writing, but lately, I haven't had much desire to do those things. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don't think I'm seeing things as dim as I had been, but my life has changed a lot in a year. Honestly, the changes in my life are for the good, but they don't come without stresses, worries and fears. Not only do I have worries of my own, I worry about my parents. My dad is struggling with health issues. He and my mom fight and argue. I get caught in the middle. Dad has some financial worries about a tenant of ours, but as the economy recovers, I believe the tenant will be more financially stable. I'm in a relationship that is serious. He proposed last Saturday. I worry about him, just because I love him so much.

I remember praying to the Blessed Mother for her intercessions last year. I truly felt like I was going to have to accept living a single life and all that came with that life. I honestly didn't believe that there was anyone out there for me. That Novena ended late, nearly in July, and three weeks later, the man I'm going to spend my life with, sent me a facebook friend request. I didn't think of it then. He was an old classmate from high school wanting to reconnect as facebook friends.

I tried to make the novena and offer thanksgiving for answered prayers. I believe he was sent by God. It's the only time in our lives when we could be together. We've talked about that and we know this time is our time. We both feel the presence of God in our lives and I need to remember that God is always there. That when things get frustrating or overwhelming I can turn to Him for strength. I also have a wonderful and beautiful man to lean on now. I am very blessed and those are the things I need to remember when things get bad.

I know where the stresses come from and they tend to overwhelm me sometimes. I also need to find a full-time job come fall. I'm hoping to be hired as a teacher's assistant or a sub with the archdiocese this fall. I could always go back to real estate. So, if you're still out there reading, thanks. Keep me in your prayers too.

Can't promise that I'm back to blogging full time, but this was a heartening news story about a "Father" presiding over the marriage of his son. A man who left the priesthood to marry, requested permission to exercise his ministry after his wife died a few years ago and was presider at his son's wedding.

I've missed out on a lot but I'm kinda hibernating from all the news and all that is going on right now. I'm still teaching catechism, things my change next year, as there might not be a Saturday class, so who knows where that will leave me as I teach the Saturday class. My students make their First Communions tomorrow. I feel like they're not as prepared as last year's class but they know the important aspects of the faith and that should be good enough. My life has changed so much. A year ago, I didn't think I'd be where I am and who knows where I will be next year. It's all good but it's also overwhelming.

One good thing-- falling in love. It's amazing.

I will try to check in from time to time and I will try to post more often.

A Little Black Spot

As Lent is coming up, I found this bit on the Deacon's Bench and it's pretty damn funny. It's also rather poignant too.

I can't believe that Ash Wednesday is next week. As of late, I've been a bit weak and really struggling in my faith. I'm hoping that Lent will revive me as it always seems to do. My students made their First Confessions and I think I've turned the tide with them. Now, to make it to First Communion and we'll be good.

It amazes me how fast time flies. Easter is my favorite season.