Lonliness...

So once upon a time, I was feeling terribly lonely and terribly upset about it. What, with being human, it's only natural that every now and then we let our feelings of loneliness and am emptiness get the best of us. For me, the most recent bout of loneliness and the irrational fears wrapped up all around me as a blanket, was hormonally charged, as my period came a few days later, but still, the feelings were mighty real and truly troubling. An online acquaintance, hopefully a friend one day, suggested I read a The Inner Voice of Love, by Henri Nouwen, a Dutch priest, who wrote about his own personal struggles. This was a personal journal for him and I've been working through it slowly, rather randomly. In the beginning he writes:

These spiritual imperatives are meant to be like salt for the meal of your life. Too much salt might spoil it, but a little a time might make it tasty!

And that's my approach to reading it. This passage, which I read today, really summed up how I was feeling that day. I didn't read it then, as I hadn't purchased the book yet. But now that I have it, I have found some soothing and comforting words through his experiences of heartache, pain and his own inner-bouts with anguish and darkness.

The end of the chapter titled "Live Patiently with the Not Yet" hit me poignantly. I wish I'd had seen it a few weeks back when I needed to see/hear/read those words from someone else.

Be Patient. When you feel lonely, stay with your loneliness. Avoid the temptation to let your fearful self run off. Let it teach you its wisdom; let it tell you that you can live instead of just surviving. Gradually you will become one, and you will find that Jesus is living in your heart and offering you all you need.

Better Days...

To Come. I hope. Today, for some reason I'm in an emotional pile of goo. I potentially might have met someone, but of course, I feel apprehensive, worried, scared, fearful that nothing will happen and yet, I'm scared of it all should something happen.

It's the first day of Fall and my favorite time of year. I need to get pictures before we get an early frost.

America Magazine seems to be down and there was an article I wanted to read about Catholics and the Bible.

I also have a bit of a sinus headache, so I think I'll go nurse that and turn off the cell phone. No need to wait for it to ring.

In a Lonely Place

In the last year as I've been returning fully and wholly to the church, I've done a lot of reading, mostly of blogs, lots of articles, a few books and I've done a lot of writing. A lot of my thoughts about my faith or return to it I've worked out in my fiction through my main character. While I don't think my character is a true stand-in for me, she has a lot of me in her and so I've probably worked out a lot of my thoughts in my story. Now I fear I'll find a market for my story, with it's strong Hispanic, Catholic characters, who learn a big family secret that takes them on an adventure they didn't expect. Sounds pretty good, huh?

Anyway, my point. I was thinking about my main characters (twin brother and sister) and how different their lives become. I was thinking more about the brother, a priest, and some of his thoughts. He's the character I have the most trouble with, as he's a man and a priest and I don't know what it's like to be either. While I know the priests at my parish, I don't know them well, but they're good, compassionate men. They're smart, caring and very devout to their vocations. I think they all share qualities my character might have, but I also try to not model my characters on anyone I know, which makes it hard sometimes, which really brings me to the whole point of this post. Really.

In my moments of procrastination, uh, I mean free time, I was reading through some of the blogs I read and Father Z (from What Does the Prayer Really Say?) linked to this post by (I'm guessing a youngish) Irish Priest who expressed so poignantly and honestly about the loneliness he was feeling at the moment. It touched me tremendously and it made me realize that these men and other religious have given up a lot for their vocations and we may never think twice about their lives outside of the church or where we see them publicly. I think sometimes we view them from the pews as men above us and not like us. We are the people under their watchful eyes and in their spiritual care. We may have casual conversations with them after Mass, maybe nothing beyond that, unless we're fortunate to have them as friends or family in real life, and even then, we may not always see them for being our brother, father, son, cousin, friend, etc. They are men of God and we always put that first, which I think we should, but they are also human and want to be treated as such and we don't. Sometimes, they aren't near their families and don't always have others to turn to for support because so many of them live alone or are the only priest in a church.

And the other thing that occurred to me is that their loneliness isn't that much different from ours, those of us not living in vows or consecrated life. Every one suffers from periods of feeling lonely. ( I do believe alone and lonely are two different things.) I'm an only child and have been alone for so much of my life, but I haven't always been lonely. Most of the time, I'm not, but every now and then it hits me. Even married people feel that loneliness. My parents live totally separate lives now that they're older and I know they both feel lonely from time to time.

As a single woman, I feel it a lot and have begun to even question if I will ever find someone to share my life with. I want to have a family and share that with someone, but as I've lived most of my life single, I think I can continue to do so if that's meant to be. I just don't know about not having the children part. That I just can't imagine not having.