Oh Hi...

Is this thing on? It seems that I've taken a long hiatus from blogging. I've been drifting away from matters of spirituality lately. I'm not even sure I'll ever get back that vim I once had for blogging, but I'm going to try because I still need an outlet for my thoughts and reflections. I do have to say that I haven't been keeping up with the general Catholic blogosphere all that much, many of my favorite Catholic bloggers have been quiet and quite honestly, I've been way too caught up in falling in love to pay attention to anything else. :)

I'm finally feeling like I'm making a dent with my students. This year, the children are not as engaged in the sacrament as they were last year. Of course, I don't think I'm as engaged as a teacher as I was last year. Now that First Confessions are coming up, I think all that will change. I have got to go myself. It's been over six months and I've been wanting to go for ages. I've actually refrained from the Eucharist since last fall, when I needed to go to Confession. I think some mortal sins are worse than others and those are the ones which trouble me more than the others. Sometimes, I think what they say about having Catholic Guilt is true. Of course, none of this I want to instill in my children. I want them to learn that Confession is a sacrament of healing and not to be afraid. I was most certainly terrified to go when I was their age. I still get nervous and frightened.

At my parish all the priests know me in some way and I've felt comfortable chatting with them in any situation but now I'll only confess to behind the screen. The children, more than likely, will be making their confessions face to face as we have one confessional that has a screen for privacy. On Saturdays, there is always a line of people waiting for confession but our church has one room. But for the children, there will be a service with individual confession. There should be about 10 priests offering the sacrament, so most will go face to face.

When I was a child, I found that comforting. I also made sure my mom was close by. I also don't know how well prepared I was for my first confession. I don't really remember much from my catechism classes. I don't remember what the sisters names were who taught us. I remember a few songs and learning that we'd be receiving the real Body and Blood of Jesus and that we could not chew on the host. I've never chewed on it since. I remember we got to drink the Blood. My parish always gives Communion in both species.

So, I'm still teaching catechism. My life, meanwhile is a bit unhinged. I was hoping that I might be able to get a teaching assistant job at the parish school, but my resume and messages have gone unnoticed and unreturned. There is a position for an assistant and I hoped I would at least be interviewed, considering I am interested in becoming a teacher in a Catholic elementary school. It seemed perfect, almost divinely inspired. But nothing! I need a career change and so far, nothing.

I can't let it get me down. I can always go back to school. I can always still try to get in with the public schools and work toward my teaching certificate this fall. I just need to start the process.

And one of the things I realized as well, is that while our lives get busy and caught up in the ennui, sometimes we put God aside. Or at least to the bottom of the list. I got to the point where I was barely making it to Mass. Until last week, the last time I was at Mass was the 4th Sunday during Advent. I did attempt Midnight Mass, but fell asleep. My mom and D. were wide awake and me, the night owl, couldn't stay awake so we left.

Meanwhile, my prayer life has dried up, but I'm trying to find my way back. It's times like this when I realize God doesn't abandon us or leave us. He patiently waits for us. And with all that I'm dealing with right now, I'm so glad that He is always there. I believe He brought D. into my life.

Now, all I have to do is open the door and let God back into my life.

Oh, my aching knees.

I'm feeling really good tonight and I really hope that the feeling is mutual for my students. Tonight they made their first reconciliations. I was worried they weren't really prepared or ready, but I think they all did wonderfully. One on my girls was really scared, but I saw her smile afterward, so I think she handled it well. They all seem so young and this is such a milestone for them, something I know they will remember and I hope cherish.

I remember things about being 8 or 9, but I don't remember everything but I do remember my first confession. I think I was so much more worried and scared than they were. I truly was anxious for them. I suppose because as their teacher, I had no control over the situation. I worried that they weren't ready or that something would go wrong. When I made my first confession, I was terrified and remembered making my mother come with me. Now in retrospect, she sat nearby but didn't actually come with me. I don't recall having a Reconciliation Service like my students had last night. It was really wonderful. Father was very kind and compassionate. He encouraged them not to be afraid, that anything they told him or any of the priests would be between them and God. It made me feel better as a teacher. I also managed to go to Confession as well, which was spiritually enriching for me at a time when I think I really needed it.

In talking with parents, I think I might have a future priest or maybe even a future nun in my class. Of course, they're only 8 going on 9, so who knows, but I'm very proud of my students. Now... if I can get off my bum and prepare my lesson on The Mass for them for Saturday.

One other thing I realized that if there is something special going on at the church during the week, there is always food. I had a very lovely dinner, thanks to our parish secretary who made goodies for the priests. Leftovers are a blessing.

When It Don't Come Easy

First off, not looking for accolades or anything, but I needed to write this down. Tonight I went to confession (I was confirmed prior to that so I've only one experience.) I've always just felt like I never needed it. I went to Mass most of my life with my parents when I was a kid, till I went to Catholic school, then we stopped going as a family as it was like I was getting my fill through school. I felt like I had a good education in Catholic school, I had some great Christian Brothers as teachers, a former religious sister and other great lay teachers, but I also think I missed out a lot because I'd been confirmed so young that my friends were learning stuff in their confirmation classes that we didn't necessarily learn in religion classes. When I went off to college I just stopped practicing my faith. (I actually would have fit into that Pew study pretty well.) I never went to any other church-- I never felt a desire or a longing to be another religion-- I think I always knew that the only church for me was the Catholic Church, but I wasn't ready to come back. I wasn't looking for God then. I suspect He was always there, but I wasn't listening or ready to hear Him. I never denied His existence. I never questioned that He was real, I just didn't really feel like I needed him or wanted to make the effort to have Him be in my life. Not sure how else to explain it really.

Anyway... so, I went to Mass for Easter with my mom last year, b/c she'd been going pretty regularly.Then I started writing a new novel. It was supposed to be a girl gets back at guy for breaking her heart (which was what I was going through at the time) kind of story and it was supposed to be light, fluffy and not at all anything deep or spiritual, which is what I ended up getting. I think that's also helped me on my journey back and because I worked through a lot of this stuff in my story. I also started doing some research about the Church, the sacraments and the teachings, etc. Things I didn't know or remember from my younger days.

However, what I think really brought me back was an annual novena to Our Lady: La Conquistadora . The faith of the people around here amazed me. Something clicked in me and for the first time I understood there was more to my history and heritage than I realized. The devotion and the spirituality impressed me and opened my eyes to my ties to the faith. I knew I could no longer just profess to be a cultural Catholic anymore. After that week, filled with beautiful, joyful Masses, I was back attending Mass every Sunday, feeling like I was part of something again. I still had yet to come all the way home.

Tonight, I felt compelled to do it. I've talked myself out of seeking the sacrament of reconciliation for a long time. But I needed to confess. It was awkward, weird and yet good. There were was short reconciliation service with several priests from the community to hear confessions after. Surprisingly, I knew most of them. I ended up going to our pastor, only because lately he's said a few things in his homilies that struck a chord with me and tonight during his homily, he said something that really hit me, so I decided that I'd make my first confession back to him. There was a woman ahead me doing it for the first time in a long time too so we offered each other moral support. Anyway, as I said it went ok. Like all things, I knew what I wanted to say and confess beforehand, I'd been thinking about it all day. My conscience was ready but the words didn't come out the way I wanted them to. I know I didn't use "proper" form and I didn't say the "Act of Contrition", but I muddled through it. I think he understood. I think that it's a sacrament that I will utilize again more often than every 30 years or so.

One aspect to the penance was to think about and reflect on certain things I confessed in prayer. That's probably the hardest part of it all. One of the things I've tried to work on during this Lenten Season is how to pray. There is still more I'd like to reflect on and think about, and I also think I'd like to talk to him more about other things. Instead of trying to try to talk to him after Mass on Sunday, which I think is never a good time to say anything but hello, I was thinking of sending an email with a few thoughts, but mostly to find a time when we might be able to talk about other things that I've wanted to talk about. Not sure though.