It's Always A Risk When You Try to Believe

Sometimes a line in a song will speak to me, such is the case of the line I quote in the title of this post. I'm sort of in that state of mind. I do believe but to what extent? When I profess the Creed every Sunday at Mass, I really and truly believe. I believe that God sent his Son through his Mother Mary for us. I believe he suffered, died and was buried. I believe he rose again on the third day. I reflect on those words and believe them. No risk there. For thousands of years, those words have been said have created conflict, the Great Schism, anyone? But the foundation of my faith truly comes from those words.

Yet, sometimes, it all seems so unfathomable. Can we really comprehend faith? Is that what faith is, the ability to believe in something that while we can't see, we know it's there, it's real. Is faith something we can grasp, perceive, touch, desire. Is it a trust that we can't comprehend?

I once said to a friend that I'm too afraid to be an atheist. How could I let go of the belief of something- someone-- bigger than myself, something I profess deep within my soul. I know I have a soul. I can feel it, yet I can't prove it.

Lenten Funny... followed later by a Lenten Serious

I'm tired of having to find certain jokes, so I'm saving this one here. I'm not sure of its origin or its author so I'm not taking credit, I'm just repeating what's been laughed at before. ;-)

ONCE A BAPTIST, ALWAYS THINK LIKE A BAPTIST

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling
a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors
were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of
Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together
and decided that something had to be done about John, he was
tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t
take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a
Catholic.

They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided
to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him
to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and
said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now
you are a Catholic.”

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved.

The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of
Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was
setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of
steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe
their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to
see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group
arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a
small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak
on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow,
and now you are a fish.”

In a Lonely Place

In the last year as I've been returning fully and wholly to the church, I've done a lot of reading, mostly of blogs, lots of articles, a few books and I've done a lot of writing. A lot of my thoughts about my faith or return to it I've worked out in my fiction through my main character. While I don't think my character is a true stand-in for me, she has a lot of me in her and so I've probably worked out a lot of my thoughts in my story. Now I fear I'll find a market for my story, with it's strong Hispanic, Catholic characters, who learn a big family secret that takes them on an adventure they didn't expect. Sounds pretty good, huh?

Anyway, my point. I was thinking about my main characters (twin brother and sister) and how different their lives become. I was thinking more about the brother, a priest, and some of his thoughts. He's the character I have the most trouble with, as he's a man and a priest and I don't know what it's like to be either. While I know the priests at my parish, I don't know them well, but they're good, compassionate men. They're smart, caring and very devout to their vocations. I think they all share qualities my character might have, but I also try to not model my characters on anyone I know, which makes it hard sometimes, which really brings me to the whole point of this post. Really.

In my moments of procrastination, uh, I mean free time, I was reading through some of the blogs I read and Father Z (from What Does the Prayer Really Say?) linked to this post by (I'm guessing a youngish) Irish Priest who expressed so poignantly and honestly about the loneliness he was feeling at the moment. It touched me tremendously and it made me realize that these men and other religious have given up a lot for their vocations and we may never think twice about their lives outside of the church or where we see them publicly. I think sometimes we view them from the pews as men above us and not like us. We are the people under their watchful eyes and in their spiritual care. We may have casual conversations with them after Mass, maybe nothing beyond that, unless we're fortunate to have them as friends or family in real life, and even then, we may not always see them for being our brother, father, son, cousin, friend, etc. They are men of God and we always put that first, which I think we should, but they are also human and want to be treated as such and we don't. Sometimes, they aren't near their families and don't always have others to turn to for support because so many of them live alone or are the only priest in a church.

And the other thing that occurred to me is that their loneliness isn't that much different from ours, those of us not living in vows or consecrated life. Every one suffers from periods of feeling lonely. ( I do believe alone and lonely are two different things.) I'm an only child and have been alone for so much of my life, but I haven't always been lonely. Most of the time, I'm not, but every now and then it hits me. Even married people feel that loneliness. My parents live totally separate lives now that they're older and I know they both feel lonely from time to time.

As a single woman, I feel it a lot and have begun to even question if I will ever find someone to share my life with. I want to have a family and share that with someone, but as I've lived most of my life single, I think I can continue to do so if that's meant to be. I just don't know about not having the children part. That I just can't imagine not having.

What's Next....

Really, I don't want to know, but hmm... CNN reports about online confessions, huh? Maybe if I'd known about this, I would have done this instead of actually, you know, like going to a priest for reconciliation. Nah... I wouldn't have confessed online. While I can understand it, I think it's plain silly. If you don't believe me check out this site. Besides, I spend enough time online, I think having some human contact every so often is a good thing.

So... no... online confession isn't for me. And apparently Father Z says so too. He made a great post about the news article with his usual charming wit. Another, good discussion of this whole topic is here, by Jim Keane, S.J. on the America Magazine Blog, In All Things.

How Do You Do...

In May, it will be a year that I've had this blog. It's definitely a work in progress. I have yet to set up my links, reading list and other sites of interest but it's in the works. I still like having this be a private place of contemplation. As far as I know very few people have stumbled upon this blog and that's ok.Quite honestly, I still wonder if I want anyone who knows me in real life to find me... do I really care? I think it's a question of how much do I want to reveal or what do I want to talk about and how personal I'll really get in here. There are things about my culture, my faith and my wanderings in life that I want to talk about and share. I don't post them in my LJ because that's a completely non-private place and the people who may or may not read my journal are probably not interested in my contemplations about my Catholic faith. And again, I think as I segue away from LJ to here, I won't just talk about my faith. It is, however, a place to start. So... in time maybe I'll have a clearer mission or perspective about what I want this place to be.

For now... this is where I am.

When It Don't Come Easy

First off, not looking for accolades or anything, but I needed to write this down. Tonight I went to confession (I was confirmed prior to that so I've only one experience.) I've always just felt like I never needed it. I went to Mass most of my life with my parents when I was a kid, till I went to Catholic school, then we stopped going as a family as it was like I was getting my fill through school. I felt like I had a good education in Catholic school, I had some great Christian Brothers as teachers, a former religious sister and other great lay teachers, but I also think I missed out a lot because I'd been confirmed so young that my friends were learning stuff in their confirmation classes that we didn't necessarily learn in religion classes. When I went off to college I just stopped practicing my faith. (I actually would have fit into that Pew study pretty well.) I never went to any other church-- I never felt a desire or a longing to be another religion-- I think I always knew that the only church for me was the Catholic Church, but I wasn't ready to come back. I wasn't looking for God then. I suspect He was always there, but I wasn't listening or ready to hear Him. I never denied His existence. I never questioned that He was real, I just didn't really feel like I needed him or wanted to make the effort to have Him be in my life. Not sure how else to explain it really.

Anyway... so, I went to Mass for Easter with my mom last year, b/c she'd been going pretty regularly.Then I started writing a new novel. It was supposed to be a girl gets back at guy for breaking her heart (which was what I was going through at the time) kind of story and it was supposed to be light, fluffy and not at all anything deep or spiritual, which is what I ended up getting. I think that's also helped me on my journey back and because I worked through a lot of this stuff in my story. I also started doing some research about the Church, the sacraments and the teachings, etc. Things I didn't know or remember from my younger days.

However, what I think really brought me back was an annual novena to Our Lady: La Conquistadora . The faith of the people around here amazed me. Something clicked in me and for the first time I understood there was more to my history and heritage than I realized. The devotion and the spirituality impressed me and opened my eyes to my ties to the faith. I knew I could no longer just profess to be a cultural Catholic anymore. After that week, filled with beautiful, joyful Masses, I was back attending Mass every Sunday, feeling like I was part of something again. I still had yet to come all the way home.

Tonight, I felt compelled to do it. I've talked myself out of seeking the sacrament of reconciliation for a long time. But I needed to confess. It was awkward, weird and yet good. There were was short reconciliation service with several priests from the community to hear confessions after. Surprisingly, I knew most of them. I ended up going to our pastor, only because lately he's said a few things in his homilies that struck a chord with me and tonight during his homily, he said something that really hit me, so I decided that I'd make my first confession back to him. There was a woman ahead me doing it for the first time in a long time too so we offered each other moral support. Anyway, as I said it went ok. Like all things, I knew what I wanted to say and confess beforehand, I'd been thinking about it all day. My conscience was ready but the words didn't come out the way I wanted them to. I know I didn't use "proper" form and I didn't say the "Act of Contrition", but I muddled through it. I think he understood. I think that it's a sacrament that I will utilize again more often than every 30 years or so.

One aspect to the penance was to think about and reflect on certain things I confessed in prayer. That's probably the hardest part of it all. One of the things I've tried to work on during this Lenten Season is how to pray. There is still more I'd like to reflect on and think about, and I also think I'd like to talk to him more about other things. Instead of trying to try to talk to him after Mass on Sunday, which I think is never a good time to say anything but hello, I was thinking of sending an email with a few thoughts, but mostly to find a time when we might be able to talk about other things that I've wanted to talk about. Not sure though.

Wanderings and passion

So I'm surfing the net, looking up random stuff. Being the Lenten Season, I stumbled upon this site. It's a site with pictures of Outdoor Stations of the Cross.

At my parish church there were some simple, but lovely crosses installed outside of my church. I think between now and Holy Week, I'll go. If I wasn't so tired, I'd post more tonight. Anyway, there are many lovely pictures to see.

Somewhat related, I love it when non-Catholics try to explain our devotions, prayers and beliefs. Here's an explanation about the Stations on a site called rapture ready. They don't seem to have a problem with them, except that the stations are all about His passion and death, and we still have Christ hanging on the Cross afterward. Apparently , we Catholics, don't recognize the resurrection. Oy.

A Bit About Religion in New Mexico

Santa Fe's Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis is getting a spring cleaning. Well, more like a 40oth Anniversary cleaning. The church is not that old, but the little chapel which houses the City's Beloved La Conquistadora is pretty old. The Journal North ran an article about how does an old Cathedral get cleaned. I think it's fascinating that for the city's 400th anniversary, the mother church of the Catholic presence in New Mexico is getting spruced up.

New Mexico has a very long history of Catholicism. I believe that Baltimore might have been this nation's first Archdiocese, but Catholicism has been in the "new world" for 400 years, all of that time in New Mexico. It wasn't always a serene and happy time historically, but sometimes I think it's often overlooked that there is a long history of Catholicism in this part of the country. New Mexico of course, was a late comer to the US and with so much anti-Catholic sentiment in the nation historically, it wasn't something much to be bragged about I suppose.

I found a great web site that has the history of many of the churches, chapels and sanctuaries in New Mexico. There are renderings of how the Cathedral Basilica would look if the spires had been built. I wish I had time to see all that Churches and Sancutaries of New Mexico has to offer.

I also learned that the first Spanish Catholics were not followers of the Roman/Latin Rite but the Mozarbic Rite which is a Catholic Rite that emerged in Muslim Spain and was quite strong. Apparently, there is a church in Spain where it is still observed and it is under the authority of Rome. I must study more about this.

Also, probably the first Jews in the new world came to New Mexico as well. Crypto-Jews (Sephardic Jews) exiled from Spain helped settle New Mexico too. Though, through the years, their traditions and histories were almost lost and many of the old families are discovering their Sephardic hertiage.

In honor of Lent and in lieu of real content...

I give you one of my favorite Stephen Colbert clips. Someday, I'll update my blog, talk about blogs I like and read etc...

I've been marked.

Today is Ash Wednesday. Around where I live, it's pretty much a big enough deal that churches are full and just about everyone (except the tourists and a few others) walks around the streets with ashes on their foreheads. I guess I'm still pretty naive when it comes to other Christian faiths because in my own little world, I thought Catholics were the only ones who received ashes. I always figured like with a lot of things the Protestants "reformed" , ashes on Ash Wednesday was one of the things they got rid of but apparently that's not the case, as other faiths do it too. Growing up in Northern New Mexico most everyone I knew was Catholic, so they all got ashes, gave up something for Lent and didn't eat meat on Fridays or Ash Wednesday. That's my norm but the world is a whole lot bigger than my little piece of it.

I was in a funk for some unknown reason-- I suspect I do know why-- but I'll get over it. I almost didn't go to Mass today or get ashes. I just felt like going home. Fortunately, I did, it truly helped my mind, body, spirit. The church was packed-- which of course-- as the Monsignor said, was nice, but quite unusual. Oh yeah, it was Ash Wednesday, that's why. It was a nice Mass, his homily was quite poignant and I think gave a lot of people pause today. This Lent I really do want to take the time to reflect on my faith, what I can do to find myself closer to God, open to what's to come and maybe I'll learn something as well.

I really don't have much else to say, as I'm exhausted. I stayed up way too late watching the election results. Wild happenings in the political arena, huh? Perhaps after having time to decompress, I might add something else. I'm still trying to write up my Christmas Eve post. I did, however, find a post by Matt at the Shrine of the Holy Whapping that really made a lot of sense. And then Andrew Sullivan posted A Prayer for Ash Wednesday by Thomas Merton that, too made a lot of sense.

Where did Ordinary Time Go?

So even the days when I was a marginally practicing Catholic, honestly, more of a lapsed one, I still managed to recognize the importance of Lent. I'd give up something, usually nothing significant. Last year, mid-way through Lent I quit drinking Diet Cokes-- or buying them to bring home anyway. This year, I've been giving Lent some thought and am not quite sure what else I'll do besides give up "Starbucks". Since Christmas, I've pretty much have given up my daily fix because I was trying to give up caffeine for other, more private reasons which I won't discuss here, and so it won't be so hard, but I could easily spend 4 to 6 bucks every couple of days there, so after 40 days, that's a pretty good savings. I can buy the Tazo Chai to make my lattes at home. The money that I save by not going to Starbucks, I can put in savings and then donate it after Lent to something worthwhile. I could save it for myself, so I can learn to save money. It's not much, but it would be a good discipline for me.

Of course, I could save it to buy something special. I've been wanting a new rosary. It's not like I don't have one, I do. It is plastic, it glows in the dark and is hanging on my bed and has been since I was 16. I had one that belonged to my grandfather when I was a kid, but I don't recall what happened to it. I think it's in my mom's jewelry box. I had a plastic one that I got from school when I was about 12. It's long gone. I can't imagine throwing it away but it was misplaced long ago.

Growing up, we were a Church on Sunday kind of family and as I got older it became a less and less occurrence. We didn't do much beyond that. I went to a public elementary school, so the only CCD I had was just what was required for First Holy Communion. I had been confirmed as a young girl and didn't take any more religious education until I went to junior high and high school, when I went to a Catholic school. We never prayed the rosary, did Eucharistic Adoration or did any of the First Friday's sort of thing. The only time I ever pray the rosary is at funerals. We didn't eat fish on Fridays during Lent and it was hard for me because I hated fish growing up. We'd eat shellfish because I did like lobster and crab. ;-) Now, I love salmon and crave tuna, so it's not a problem. I can live without meat.

So this year, things are different. Yes, I want to give up something, Starbucks is altruistic enough for me to give up, but I also want to do something. I was going to make one of those New Year's Resolution posts, but I never did. And Ordinary Time was so short as Ash Wednesday falls this week, so I thought I'd just save it for Lent. I'd like to really learn to pray. I don't think it's an art or anything, but I just don't know how to do it. I know many prayers and I meditate and I guess talk to God but I don't think I really know how to pray or what should I pray for.

Maybe get more involved at my parish. Maybe take advantage of some of the opportunities to study and grow in my faith there. I haven't really figured out what. I guess, like with a lot of what I do, I don't like just being a face in the crowd. I want to get involved, maybe I'm ready for that. There's a singles thingy at the end of the month and I am mildly interested in going.

I don't know what I'm looking for right now. I don't know if I'll find it here/there/wherever but I'm searching for something.

I suppose in time I'll figure it out.

Junk Mail...

So today in my newspaper box, just below my mail box there on top of the Realtor newsletter from a fellow Realtor in my neighborhood was a copy of The Watchtower. Usually it hits the garbage as soon as I take it out of the box, but it intrigued me today because on the cover was a picture of Notre Dame in Paris, (I'm pretty sure it was ND. It could have been another Cathedral that looks a lot like ND) and so I skimmed through it. Inside there were a couple of intriguing pictures, one was a procession, probably Greek Orthodox or Orthodox because as they were walking in the procession they were carrying very Eastern looking Icons. Anyway, the caption said something like: would God approve of such a spectacle, then there was another photo, it looked like a Catholic priest saying Mass for US soldiers in Iraq and the caption was something like was this appropriate.

As I skimmed it, I didn't find anything overly interesting or thought provoking, but there was an article about how parents feel with a child leaves Jehovah. It reminded me of articles I've seen lately about parents of Catholics whose children are leaving the faith. I guess parents in every religion lament the loss of their child leaving the faith.

In general, the tract didn't offend or even interest me. The only reason I looked at it was the cover shot of a Catholic church and I wondered if I'd find any anti-Catholicism inside. It may have been there, but overly subtle, and I didn't read long enough to really find out.

I'm still very fortunate that where I live and grew up I haven't encountered much anti-Catholicism. I've had Evangelical acquaintances try to invite me to their services, but when I tell them I'm not interested, they haven't pursued.

When I was a kid my baby sitter was a JW. I adored it when she'd come stay with me because she was so much fun. She was probably 5 or 6 years older than me and most of the kids in the neighborhood. She'd tell us stories about the Great Teacher etc. I guess she was going through Sunday School or whatever it's called and felt compelled to share what she was learning with the younger kids. It was quite entertaining to hear her stories. I was probably going through CCD at the time too, so I was also learning my Catholic faith. I certainly think that I was learning a lot then from the sisters who taught our CCD classes at the parish school. I didn't attend Catholic school because we had moved and it was quite a long drive for my mom then. Perhaps my parents felt like they couldn't afford it then. I've never really found out why I didn't go to the parish school, we certainly went to Mass every week when I was little... but I digress. I remembered her stories well. My parents never told her not to stop-- I guess they didn't worry too much that I'd convert. I do remember talking about what my babysitter was teaching me (and the other kids in the neighborhood) and telling my parents then that I'd never want to be a JW because they didn't celebrate Christmas and Easter like we did as Catholics, but what really convinced me not to convert at such a young age was that they even celebrate BIRTHDAYS. I just couldn't fathom not having birthday parties and getting presents. (I am an only child. I always had great birthday parties and got lots of presents.)

Of course as I grew up, I learned more about my Catholic faith, maybe not as much as other kids who did go to Catholic school then, but when I got to high school, I went to a Catholic school and felt like I got a pretty well-rounded education. Though I probably missed out a lot because I was not confirmed in junior high with the rest of my classmates.When I was born, infant confirmation was still in practice in our archdiocese so I was confirmed as a child. Growing up I had two Godmothers. My mom's sister baptized me and my dad's was my confirmation sponsor. Had I not been confirmed as an infant, I would have probably learned a lot more.

Of course, then sometime in college, I drifted away from the Church. I'd go from time to time with sorority sisters. We'd always seem to get Ashes for Ash Wednesday, but I wasn't a regular church goer then. It took a while for me to come back to the faith. Oddly enough, I feel as though I haven't left it. (with the exception of a few things we didn't have back when I was in high school-- female altar servers, liturigcal dancing and as much lay participation but it doesn't bother me to the point that it distracts me from what's happening at the altar.) In fact, thinking about any future children I may have one day, girl or a boy, I'd strongly encourage them both to be more involved in the church and yes, I'd let my daughter be an altar server and would hope that my son would want to as well.


Well, this is a nonsensical post in the sense that I couldn't sleep and wanted to try to compose some of the thoughts running in my head. I should know better.

Coke Light - Have A Break!

I shamefully admit that I totally find this video more amusing than I should... of course... it's all just fantasy.

Tom Cruise Knows...

He just knows. I'm not one to mock anyone for his or her religion, as I happen to be a member of the one Church that always seems to get bashed with tons and tons of anti-Catholic vile, but this speaks for itself. It's the Tom Cruise, the Scientologist Story. From what I gather, it was a video made to talk about his experiences as a Scientologist to be used as a recruitment tool and he looks totally sincere as he relays his message. After watching this, does this mean he and fellow Scientologists believe they can save people from just about everything-- dying in car accidents, crime, drugs? Can they save the world from Global Warming? Disease? Hatred and Intolerance? War? Since I didn't understand what he said, I found this Scientology Glossary to help translate what Tom said.

Should we all sign up? That power must be amazing.

I guess Tom's people and the Church of Scientology are a bit pissy that the video has hit the Internets and aren't too pleased that Andrew Morton (the one who wrote about Princess Di) has written a bio about Tom.

A friend told me about it and looking for a distraction I had to go find it. Man, he's weird. That was cheesy weird and definitely wouldn't indoctrinate me into the world of Scientology. My priest will be pleased to hear that, though two weeks ago at Mass he said we should look for new ways to come to God, of course he also said that didn't mean checking out the other churches down the street, where they are aplenty... a non-demoniational, a Baptist, a Methodist and the JWs. Eh, I'll stick with Catholicism. At least it's rational and sane. ;-)

:::Sighs:::: Now I'll never be able to watch my favorite, albeit cheesy movies with Tom Cruise in them and think about how I adored him so. Also? Why didn't someone tell me that Chachi (Scott Baio) had a reality show on VH1. Man, he's 46, married with a baby girl now. Oy. What happened?

Sometimes you choke on the smell...

I know I have a post to make...