Friday, April 18, 2014

Clay Feet

It's been years since I've blogged regularly. I guess I've either lost my faith, maybe I've lost interest in blogging or have let my own dark night of the soul keep me away. I also have had two-and-a-half hellish years, with the last six months or so kicking my spirit down even more. I've let a lot of fears and probably a lot of foolishness on my part keep me from making some decisions-- health-- money and personal ones.

My heart and gut tell me that I'm going to be ok-- that my General Anxiety Disorder-- is just making me worry, fret and fear more than I should, but my mind tells me the opposite and I think it's making it all worse. I haven't gotten over the breast cancer and I can't think rationally about it nor distance myself. The prognosis was good but I'm terrified it will come back, I'm terrified to face getting a mammo or any other test. I'm just reeling with all kinds of fears. Every little ache, pinch, twist or pain leads me to thinking the worst, but it's all normal. I have checked my breasts just about every day; nothing feels any different, yet I don't even know what is normal anymore. It all looks the same, it feels the same, but I can't get the worries out of my head. I'm living in Limbo, not Hell. Somehow I need to take a step forward, have a follow up and move on-- no matter what may come.

Today would have been my dad's 86th birthday. I still miss him, grieve for him and feel his loss every day. I probably always will. I kind of hope and pray he's actually up there watching over me and taking care of me. I also worry that he is disappointed me in because all the things he feared have happened. I'm managing the finances so poorly. Of course, when the money we counted on regularly isn't coming in anymore, it's hard to stay on top of things. I try to do my best but I still can't handle it all without feeling like a failure.

I also wonder if there really is anything beyond this life.

I try to have faith in God. I try to dig deep into my Catholic faith to guide me to a better understanding of the mysteries that is God, His Son and Holy Spirit. I talk to Him, I talk to the Saints, Our Lady quite often. I talk to my dad, my mother-in-law, though she never met me. I had one moment where I felt her presence. Somehow I think she knew I needed David to come to me-- because without even calling to him--- he came up and held me.

I want to believe that something is there and I want to believe that I will still have that long life I dreamt about having with David. I pray for a child, at this point it will be a miracle. I also pray for peace, acceptance and offer thanks for the blessings in my life.

Still, I continue to struggle and wonder if I truly am a good person. I feel lost, scared and overwhelmed.
I, do know, I am not alone.

No comments: