In The Pro-Life Closet

For a million reasons plus one, this article/personal opinion piece in the New York Times blog by a young pregnant grad student posting why she's going to end her pregnancy makes me very sad. I don't and really won't discuss abortion in this blog. I can't, but I'm having a gut reaction right now so bear with me while I work out these thoughts.

First of all, it's a hard subject to discuss with a group of women friends, with close family let alone the masses on the Internet. I am a woman and I could have walked in her shoes before. I never would have had an abortion at 22. However, I am not going to stand in judgment of her either. I can't. It's not my place. This is why I don't talk about this subject.

I've known women who have had them. I have friends who have accompanied young women to abortion clinics and I can't judge them either. I won't get up on a moral high horse or yell from my soap box that I disagree with their choices. They were theirs to make.

I will say my position has changed dramatically as I've grown up. In school, the naive girl I was, I had no idea what abortion was. I just knew we had to pray really hard for its end. When I was in school, the ten-year anniversary of Roe V. Wade passed and we had a teacher, a former nun, lead us in prayers to see an end to abortion. It left an impression on me, though, in college, my politics and identity as a feminist lead me to become pro-choice. Every woman I knew and friend I had was, and it just seemed to be the right position to take as a young woman. Thank God, I never had to make that choice. In fact the one time I thought I was pregnant, I hoped and prayed for it to be so, even though I knew I would have to do it on my own. Obviously, it wasn't meant to be. As I've gotten older, I've become anti-abortion. Possibly because I am older, maybe, hopefully wiser, and still hopeful that I'll still be a mother one day.

So it makes me very, very sad that this woman is choosing to end her pregnancy, but it is her decision to make. But I'd be one of many women in line to adopt that child or any child that isn't wanted. I guess that is what breaks my heart the most.

Recently, a young mother in Albuquerque, took the life of her 3-year-old son. It was tragic, devastating and unlike this girl, she felt desperate and didn't have the same choices this girl has. She didn't have anyone to turn to, she didn't seek any help and she did the one thing that she thought was best. To outsiders, it was unfathomable, devastating and tragic. To her, only God knows and how incredibly lonely and sad it must have been to feel so desperate that she took her own child's life.

Is this young grad student's situation any more different? If so, how? I can't believe I even wrote this post up because this is not something I feel like I can discuss, but since the death of Dr. Tiller, I've been struggling to articulate my feelings and I think because of his murder, I've gone further into the closet about being pro-life. I honestly don't know if that makes sense... I can't even imagine telling my best friend this.

I might pick this up later, because I do have thoughts about the death of Dr. Tiller, the pro-life movement, the pro-choice movement and why I don't think there will ever be common ground and why I think I like the closet best right now.

Also, this post might self-destruct.