Oh Hi...

Is this thing on? It seems that I've taken a long hiatus from blogging. I've been drifting away from matters of spirituality lately. I'm not even sure I'll ever get back that vim I once had for blogging, but I'm going to try because I still need an outlet for my thoughts and reflections. I do have to say that I haven't been keeping up with the general Catholic blogosphere all that much, many of my favorite Catholic bloggers have been quiet and quite honestly, I've been way too caught up in falling in love to pay attention to anything else. :)

I'm finally feeling like I'm making a dent with my students. This year, the children are not as engaged in the sacrament as they were last year. Of course, I don't think I'm as engaged as a teacher as I was last year. Now that First Confessions are coming up, I think all that will change. I have got to go myself. It's been over six months and I've been wanting to go for ages. I've actually refrained from the Eucharist since last fall, when I needed to go to Confession. I think some mortal sins are worse than others and those are the ones which trouble me more than the others. Sometimes, I think what they say about having Catholic Guilt is true. Of course, none of this I want to instill in my children. I want them to learn that Confession is a sacrament of healing and not to be afraid. I was most certainly terrified to go when I was their age. I still get nervous and frightened.

At my parish all the priests know me in some way and I've felt comfortable chatting with them in any situation but now I'll only confess to behind the screen. The children, more than likely, will be making their confessions face to face as we have one confessional that has a screen for privacy. On Saturdays, there is always a line of people waiting for confession but our church has one room. But for the children, there will be a service with individual confession. There should be about 10 priests offering the sacrament, so most will go face to face.

When I was a child, I found that comforting. I also made sure my mom was close by. I also don't know how well prepared I was for my first confession. I don't really remember much from my catechism classes. I don't remember what the sisters names were who taught us. I remember a few songs and learning that we'd be receiving the real Body and Blood of Jesus and that we could not chew on the host. I've never chewed on it since. I remember we got to drink the Blood. My parish always gives Communion in both species.

So, I'm still teaching catechism. My life, meanwhile is a bit unhinged. I was hoping that I might be able to get a teaching assistant job at the parish school, but my resume and messages have gone unnoticed and unreturned. There is a position for an assistant and I hoped I would at least be interviewed, considering I am interested in becoming a teacher in a Catholic elementary school. It seemed perfect, almost divinely inspired. But nothing! I need a career change and so far, nothing.

I can't let it get me down. I can always go back to school. I can always still try to get in with the public schools and work toward my teaching certificate this fall. I just need to start the process.

And one of the things I realized as well, is that while our lives get busy and caught up in the ennui, sometimes we put God aside. Or at least to the bottom of the list. I got to the point where I was barely making it to Mass. Until last week, the last time I was at Mass was the 4th Sunday during Advent. I did attempt Midnight Mass, but fell asleep. My mom and D. were wide awake and me, the night owl, couldn't stay awake so we left.

Meanwhile, my prayer life has dried up, but I'm trying to find my way back. It's times like this when I realize God doesn't abandon us or leave us. He patiently waits for us. And with all that I'm dealing with right now, I'm so glad that He is always there. I believe He brought D. into my life.

Now, all I have to do is open the door and let God back into my life.

Who actually said, "The Church is not a museum for saints but a hospital for sinners"?
It think it's a very apt quote and I've heard it many times before. Google has given me various answers and maybe it's one of those quotes we'll never know who really said. It's like St. Francis is attributed with saying, "Preach the Gospel, use words when necessary," but no one really knows if he said it or not.

I'm feeling a bit dry spiritually these days. I wonder if it started after Easter and then really peeked after the children made their First Communions? I've been working on an email to one of the priests at my parish for weeks... I haven't been able to articulate anything in it. I'm setting it aside once again.

It's going to be a long summer. I'll work on my Catechism plan for next fall, I plan to work on my applications for the teacher's program so I can become a certified teacher one day and actually teach for a living. I truly feel that is where I'm being lead. I just hope that I can find a job once I complete the credit hours and pass the state exam for certification.

But anyway, yesterday I attended the Archdiocesan Catechetical luncheon at a parish church in Albuquerque. It was quite lovely. The deacon in charge of Hispanic Ministry for the diocese gave the keynote address, which was inspiring. I took copious notes and may write up my reflections later, but used the quote I mentioned at the start of this post.

I enjoyed the luncheon. I felt very honored that I was invited to go, as I'm just a first year teacher and none of the other catechists attended. Our religious education director was there, one of the sisters who works with the Hispanic ministry and our Confirmation director also attended. My friend received an award as the Catechist of the year from our parish. There were many Catechists recognized. The awards were presented by the archbishop who also spoke to us. He joined us for lunch and posed for pictures.

It was actually a very inspiring day. I don't have delusions of grandeur that I'll win an award one day, but I do believe that one day I will be a capable and worthy catechist. I have some wonderful mentors and some wonderful opportunities at my parish to learn, grown and study. I'm actually working toward my certification with the diocese. I'd be foolish to pass off the opportunity I've been given.

Anyway, more thoughts later.

Guess what? Tonight, I got a promotion, went from Catechist to Priest in the span of a day. This evening we had rehearsal for First Communion and the religious ed director made me Father Maria. See, who needs Holy Orders?!

I'm only kidding about all this. Sad to say, much to the dismay of my little feminist heart, I'm ok with a male only priesthood in the Catholic Church, but still it was fun playing pretend for a while.

The children are ready and it's going to be a lovely day on Saturday. But I seem to be getting the cold from hell! Grr.

How Time Flies

Tonight was my last class for the year. I really loved this whole year of teaching. I had good days and bad days as you all know but as a whole, I feel very blessed and very fortunate for having this experience. I learned and I know they learned. I know in the years to come, I can only grow as a religious ed teacher and hopefully a regular ed teacher. I hope that I shared with the students my love of God, the Church, and just how wonderful it is to be able to receive the Eucharist. I hope I helped them grow in their faith and understand the Church just a little bit more than they did. There is a lot to learn and at that age, it's just the start. I hope their parents continue to keep them in catechism classes and that they always keep wanting to learn.

They are ready. They understand. I'm so proud of them.

I also developed a new-found admiration and respect for the Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion. The children practiced receiving the Body and Blood for the first time. Of course we used unconsecrated hosts and wine and they processed through the line, just as they will on Saturday and Sunday. I stood in the front giving them the host. They were all so good. We'll go over it again on Thursday to make sure they do it right. It truly is an amazing thing to be able to share this experience with them, and I imagine for the ministers who do this ministry it is a humbling experience. What's funny, was I tasted one of the hosts tonight and I commented that the consecrated hosts tasted better. ;-) They didn't like the taste of the wine. At their age, when I received for the first time, I didn't like it either. However, I do think that the sacramental wine my parish uses is actually pretty good. I've tasted much worse, but you know when I go up to receive Communion, I don't really think about how either species actually tastes.

I guess it's all in the way we think about things.

Become

I'm either getting really old, or am sorrily out of shape. My thighs are sore. I did the Stations of the Cross at my parish last night and I guess I can't handle 13 genuflections and one kneeling.

It was actually quite lovely to see all the people in the church on a dark, windy Friday night. I'm feeling a bit better my Lent. I stayed afterward for Adoration as it was First Friday. Though I just sat there quietly most of the time, it was really soothing and just what I needed.

I'm still struggling with lots of other stuff in my life but it's nice that I can find some peaceful moments from time to time.

Class wasn't a disaster but it wasn't great either. It's definitely good to have more material prepared than not enough. I let the students go outside for the last five minutes. I had to round them up for our final prayer, but they had nervous energy and it was good to get rid of it. It was cold and windy, otherwise I think I would have enjoyed spending part of the class time outside today. There will be nicer days.

In fact, we woke up with a thunder storm and about 10 minutes of pouring rain until the wind blew it all away. For three days it was cloudy and gray, not one drop of moisture. Then we get the moisture and it goes away just like that.

Spring in New Mexico. The bane of my existence right now, just as will the time change tomorrow. I think I'll crash early.

The Hills Are Alive...and Facebook Freaks Me Out

Yes, I'm still wary of Facebook. I've had many high school classmates find me, and I've found a few. My (former) two best friends are also there, but I think we've mutually decided not to friend request each other. One of them dumped me via email and the other one just stopped talking to me. It was all so high school. Also, a cute guy from my graduating class is a new arrival there and he's still cute. I've seen him in person lately. He was like Mr. Popularity and sadly has not friend requested me. I'm so torn up by that. ;-)

Let's see in other real life, mundane Facebook related activities, I just edited my favorite movies and added "The Sound of Music" -- that modernist propaganda film according to SSPX Bishop Williamson anyway. I think he's a pretty good comedian. Those of you regular readers should totally understand this.

I found some of my sorority sisters too. I haven't seen them in years and of course, am wary about friend requesting them. I used my real name so people I know can find me. As Jen at Musings from the Big U said, it's been a good and a bad thing. She also made a post about warnings, which I think I'll take heed and follow. I find that the people I've been most communicative with on Facebook are the people I know from fandom, LJ and my adult life. Sure, it's nice to know what some of my old friends are doing, it's not like we're going to be best friends again now.

I'm also wary of Facebook because of a news report that showed a poor guy who had his account hacked and his poor friends fell for a scam that he was kidnapped or in trouble and they sent out money to the "hackers" on his behalf. Of course, I'm online enough to know if someone is messing with my Facebook status and is out to scam my friends, who of course wouldn't fall for it.

Let's see, in Catholic Squee news. I got two new books today on the Mass. I know most bloggers are probably away that Amy Welborn of Charlotte of Both lost her husband, Michael Dubruiel, suddenly the other day. I bought his book from Amazon. For support and for the fact that it's been highly recommended. And then I got Children Discover the Mass, for my students. It has some pretty neat ideas and hopefully I'll find a few good ideas I can add to my lesson on Saturday.

Oh, my aching knees.

I'm feeling really good tonight and I really hope that the feeling is mutual for my students. Tonight they made their first reconciliations. I was worried they weren't really prepared or ready, but I think they all did wonderfully. One on my girls was really scared, but I saw her smile afterward, so I think she handled it well. They all seem so young and this is such a milestone for them, something I know they will remember and I hope cherish.

I remember things about being 8 or 9, but I don't remember everything but I do remember my first confession. I think I was so much more worried and scared than they were. I truly was anxious for them. I suppose because as their teacher, I had no control over the situation. I worried that they weren't ready or that something would go wrong. When I made my first confession, I was terrified and remembered making my mother come with me. Now in retrospect, she sat nearby but didn't actually come with me. I don't recall having a Reconciliation Service like my students had last night. It was really wonderful. Father was very kind and compassionate. He encouraged them not to be afraid, that anything they told him or any of the priests would be between them and God. It made me feel better as a teacher. I also managed to go to Confession as well, which was spiritually enriching for me at a time when I think I really needed it.

In talking with parents, I think I might have a future priest or maybe even a future nun in my class. Of course, they're only 8 going on 9, so who knows, but I'm very proud of my students. Now... if I can get off my bum and prepare my lesson on The Mass for them for Saturday.

One other thing I realized that if there is something special going on at the church during the week, there is always food. I had a very lovely dinner, thanks to our parish secretary who made goodies for the priests. Leftovers are a blessing.

I know this is all about squee but tonight they broke me again. If only I could cut my class in half. Then I know I could teach them something and if only I could get rid of the problem kids. I'm going to have to talk to my religious ed director tomorrow and it's time to talk to parents. I hate to do it but if it's going to make things go better for me in class, I will.

So... this was me just after receiving First Holy Communion when I was 8. I thought I'd posted this here before, but I can't find the post. I found it and yes, I should tag my posts better.


Ah, yes, the St. Francis Cathedral in the late 70's. There was an article in today's paper (maybe yesterday's) about a bit of the history and styles. Of course, the author had to break up Willa Cather's Death Comes for the Archbishop. Grr! Argh. I hated that book.

Half Way There

Tonight I had a happy moment following my Catechism class. My students make their first confessions in four weeks and I think they are ready. We have one more sacramental class before that night but I feel like we've achieved something already. It amazes me how bright they are. They are getting the concept of sin-- mortal and venial. Most of them know their prayers. They have trouble with the Hail Mary, but they all know the Our Father, most know the Glory Be and they all pretty much know their prayer of sorrow. It's the one I don't know. I wish they could learn the Act of Contrition but apparently, it's too difficult to learn. Grr. I like it better.

It's truly a wonderful journey that I am making with these children. I'm blessed that I'm doing this with them. I want to grow in my spirituality and my faith and by leading them on this journey, I am doing that. There is still so much that I want to learn and so much I know I can teach the children, but I am now at a point where I know that I finally believe that I can do this. It's taken me awhile to gain the confidence in myself but it is a big responsibility and I just want to do right by them. And I hope that I am blessed to be able to do this for years to come.

Right now my words and thoughts are a bit jumbled but I wanted to post a little something about how I was feeling tonight after my class. I'll probably come back and revise and add to this post later. Meanwhile, I have a lot to prepare for Saturday's class, so we'll see how I feel after that class.

Good post today by Sister Mary Martha. It's about confession, sin, guilt and the origin of confessionals. I've been thinking a lot on the subject, as it's getting close to the kids first confessions in January. It amazes me just how much those 8-year-olds understand. There is a lot they don't quite comprehend. They're all different, they're at different reading levels and comprehension levels but they get the basics.

One of my kids came up to me the other day and class and recited his "Prayer of Sorrow"

My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and falling to do good, I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy. Amen

It's an easy to memorize prayer, probably easier to memorize than traditional "Act of Contrition" we adult Catholics probably all had to learn as kids.

O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended you and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all because I have offended you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life. Amen.

I love the language, the words and the sentiment of the Act of Contrition so much better than their Prayer of Sorrow.

I have to read the prayer when we pray it at the end of class. While it may be easy to learn, it just trips me up. So, I told the boy who came up to recite his prayer, that I'd recite the one I learned when I was his age at our next class.

For this week's class I want to do a lesson on Christmas. There is one in the book, but I haven't looked at it yet. I have another teaching workshop on Thursday. I got some great ideas I'd like to implement with this next class. I'm hoping that one of the Children's bible storybooks I ordered from Amazon arrive tomorrow and have a good story on the Nativity. I ordered three Catholic bible story books. I may send back one or two of them. Of course, I'll do the lesson from the book, but we also have to start preparing for their First Confession. From what I understand, it will be a Reconciliation service, with the Liturgy of the Word followed by personal confessions, some will be face to face and some in the confessional. I've been told parents are strongly encourage to attend but have been told that they don't. That's pretty sad to me. The kids are scared and intimidated in the first place and when they're parents are lacidaisical about going to confession, what kind of an example is to teach them?

I was so scared that I made my mother go with me. I also went face-to-face with the priest. I can't recall what I told the priest, nor do I remember the priest that I confessed to, but in retrospect, it wasn't a bad experience.

Now, I like the privacy of the confessional.




Image gacked from a anti-Catholic website. Shh!

Who needs drugs to get high...

I have something better, I have a class full of Third Graders! I made it through my first Catechism class. I thought I was prepared, I thought I knew the lessons, I thought I knew what to do, but nothing in a book can prepare you for the real-life experience that is teaching Catechism. It was great. I have an energy level that I haven't had in a while, I could probably, and should probably work it off at the gym. Honestly, it feels very much like the post-work out endorphins I get after a work out. Of course, I can't recall what that feels like, it's been at least a month.

Anyway, I'll spend this week really preparing. Honestly, I needed to know what it was like before I could really prepare. It was awkward, some of the children were late, but it seemed to go all right. At least I hope so. Those years of doing kids' care with Campfire should prove useful.

The kids seem great. Some are quite, others extroverted, some like to talk, others not so much. Some have more energy than a hummingbird, others not so much.

I think once I know their names, know what to do and what to expect, I'll have it mastered. Ok, not mastered but at least more controlled. I will definitely look for ideas and other activities that I can use next week. We went through the chapter pretty quickly, so I think we can get through the whole book before the end of the year, but I need to get them to focus. I need to focus. I might actually practice my lesson before next week's class.

Receiving the Eucharist for the First Time.

I know in my heart and in my mind that I can do this, but it's really easy to fall into self-doubt. I do feel that God lead me to this ministry and I believe I can teach the children something about faith, Christ and the Church, and they can teach me the same things. I know I will learn with the children as we take this journey together. God willing we'll all come through the year together stronger in our faith and closer to God and we will celebrate together when they receive their First Holy Communion.

Me after Mass that day.

Where Are The Muses?

So, I'm sort of cross-posting things from LiveJournal into here. Anyway, this is the latest.

Things with the parents seem to be slightly more under control. I'm paying all the bills now. Dad's ok... but it worries me when he gets so foggy. I still think he's over medicated. We had a serious talk yesterday about my short-term goals, wants and desires. He was actually supportive. I seriously do need to get a better job before year's end. I don't know if I can continue to do real estate in an ever-slowing market and who knows when we'll hit bottom and I don't think it will get better for quite some time, no matter who gets elected. So... I'm going to go on the serious job hunt, if I'll be able to find one. Oh, there's a part-time web thingy I should apply for at one of the radio stations here in town.

I'm so procrastinating about everything these days. I think it's an end of summer sort of malaise. I don't want the summer to end even though I love fall so much. At least it's warm that I can still sit outside and enjoy my back patio. However, I've already put the down blanket on my bed because it's getting cold at night. Ah, life in the desert. My allergies are wiping me out. It's chamisa and yellow-stinky flower season 'round these parts, so I'm living on Claritin right now. Still, the sky is golden, the trees are starting to turn on the mountain, and the roadsides are dotted by purple and gold wildflowers. The light has that soft, muted hue and it's just gorgeous here. It seemed like it happened overnight. Fall is my favorite season of all seasons. Yeah, I know, it's not fall for another few days. If feels like it. It's crisp and chilly.

I think it's an early night tonight. I'll either do some reading or fight with the muses. I can't end either of my stories. I may dig "Andrew" out of the character box and write more of his story. He is fun. Or, perhaps, work on some other semi-fleshed out story beginnings for other stories, but bed might be best.

I really need to watch and listen to my Catechism DVDs. I teach my first class on Saturday. I've been studying the teacher's guide for a while now, I've been looking up resources online and am preparing myself for 18 third-graders. I'm teaching straight from the book, but I'm still nervous. I keep telling myself I know more than they do. I know more than they do... heh! I've been assured there is a music CD in which we can sing along with, because there is no way I'm going to lead the group in song! Then starting in October, for 12 nights till April, I start to teach the sacramental classes-- the kids will make their first Confessions in January and then their First Holy Communions in May. That will be fun, seeing them to a goal.

Now... who would have thought three years ago I'd be a supporting member of my parish church? I blame the Czech for all this! If he hadn't broken my heart, I never would have felt the need to work through all the pain through a new novel, which had a throw- away line in the story about the OFC's brother, the priest, who then I had to flesh out and research, then he grew on me and became a main character, and I really had to figure exactly who he was, so then I started going to Mass again (actually, it's my friend's fault, she dragged me to a really special novena) but I kept going afterward-- all in the name of research... yeah, right. Eventually, I then joined the parish, had a meeting with my priest, then talked to the director of religious ed and somehow I ended up here... gulp. Lord help me from writing bad grammatical sentences and third graders.