Is this thing on? It seems that I've taken a long hiatus from blogging. I've been drifting away from matters of spirituality lately. I'm not even sure I'll ever get back that vim I once had for blogging, but I'm going to try because I still need an outlet for my thoughts and reflections. I do have to say that I haven't been keeping up with the general Catholic blogosphere all that much, many of my favorite Catholic bloggers have been quiet and quite honestly, I've been way too caught up in falling in love to pay attention to anything else. :)
I'm finally feeling like I'm making a dent with my students. This year, the children are not as engaged in the sacrament as they were last year. Of course, I don't think I'm as engaged as a teacher as I was last year. Now that First Confessions are coming up, I think all that will change. I have got to go myself. It's been over six months and I've been wanting to go for ages. I've actually refrained from the Eucharist since last fall, when I needed to go to Confession. I think some mortal sins are worse than others and those are the ones which trouble me more than the others. Sometimes, I think what they say about having Catholic Guilt is true. Of course, none of this I want to instill in my children. I want them to learn that Confession is a sacrament of healing and not to be afraid. I was most certainly terrified to go when I was their age. I still get nervous and frightened.
At my parish all the priests know me in some way and I've felt comfortable chatting with them in any situation but now I'll only confess to behind the screen. The children, more than likely, will be making their confessions face to face as we have one confessional that has a screen for privacy. On Saturdays, there is always a line of people waiting for confession but our church has one room. But for the children, there will be a service with individual confession. There should be about 10 priests offering the sacrament, so most will go face to face.
When I was a child, I found that comforting. I also made sure my mom was close by. I also don't know how well prepared I was for my first confession. I don't really remember much from my catechism classes. I don't remember what the sisters names were who taught us. I remember a few songs and learning that we'd be receiving the real Body and Blood of Jesus and that we could not chew on the host. I've never chewed on it since. I remember we got to drink the Blood. My parish always gives Communion in both species.
So, I'm still teaching catechism. My life, meanwhile is a bit unhinged. I was hoping that I might be able to get a teaching assistant job at the parish school, but my resume and messages have gone unnoticed and unreturned. There is a position for an assistant and I hoped I would at least be interviewed, considering I am interested in becoming a teacher in a Catholic elementary school. It seemed perfect, almost divinely inspired. But nothing! I need a career change and so far, nothing.
I can't let it get me down. I can always go back to school. I can always still try to get in with the public schools and work toward my teaching certificate this fall. I just need to start the process.
And one of the things I realized as well, is that while our lives get busy and caught up in the ennui, sometimes we put God aside. Or at least to the bottom of the list. I got to the point where I was barely making it to Mass. Until last week, the last time I was at Mass was the 4th Sunday during Advent. I did attempt Midnight Mass, but fell asleep. My mom and D. were wide awake and me, the night owl, couldn't stay awake so we left.
Meanwhile, my prayer life has dried up, but I'm trying to find my way back. It's times like this when I realize God doesn't abandon us or leave us. He patiently waits for us. And with all that I'm dealing with right now, I'm so glad that He is always there. I believe He brought D. into my life.
Now, all I have to do is open the door and let God back into my life.