As a kid, I remember reading the book, "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret?" Judy Blume's books always resonated with me as a teen. I'm not a teen any more but the title of that book popped into my head just now.
So, I must ask the question, Are You There God? It's Me, Maria.
Don't know if you've been paying attention to what's going on lately. Your church is a mess. The abuse scandal has finally angered me. The bishops really piss me off and maybe I don't believe as much as I thought I did.
I love the ritualistic and cultural aspects of Catholicism. I love the saints, the buildings, the stories, the traditions. I'm just not so much in love with the people anymore.
My mom just died and everyone is telling me she's with my dad and at peace. Part of me really wants to believe that. I want to believe the soul lives on after the body dies. I want to believe that there is something after this life. But as I've gotten older, I find my faith slipping away.
I cannot escape the fact that the Church is made up of men/women and they are not perfect. And it's not just the Church, all religions have committed atrocities they must account for in this life and beyond. Human history is fulled with horrific wars and hatred because of religion and horrors committed for and in the name of God. I know this, so I can't understand why I'm mad now.
The abuse scandal, the forced conversions, the Eucharist is being used as a political football, the discovery of over 700 children murdered in Canada, and it goes on and on. This is not what God's church should be about.
I've nearly walked away. I could walk away. Right now, my belief is shaky so why do I bother grapple with all these thoughts? I will probably never prove the existence of God, nor will I ever feel like the Church is perfect, safe or home again. Maybe I will be able to reconcile the ideals of the Church with the imperfections of man.
Maybe I won't.
I just know that faith is personal and mine is weak.
