Saturday, May 2, 2009

... and I'm Slowly Drowning

Me on the left, my cousin on the right after a lovely rainstorm.

Why is it when you want to sit down, write out thoughts that are flowing inside your head, when you actually sit down to write them, you can't?

I'm having one of those lazy Saturdays. I think my cold, or the creeping crud as I called it, broke Tuesday night. Wednesday I felt fine and I'm over it now, with a lingering cough every now and then. I also was hit with an immediate bout of allergies. Oh, life is good.

My dad called this morning and of course managed to wake me up (Calls before 8 a.m. are just plain terrifying and or rude when they're not an emergency.) and he wasn't feeling well, but there wasn't anything I could really do. He called a few minutes later to tell me all was well, so I slept for a bit longer, till he called and woke me a second time. I realize he's getting older and he does rely on me, but there is a point where I think it's selfish and inconsiderate. He's lonely. My mom doesn't baby him. I guess I do. I pay attention to him and I listen to him. We are close but there is a point where I feel like he's crossing the line and now that I'm over the creeping crud, he's calling me all the time again. Ugh. Then I feel guilty when I rant and rave or even complain.

So, today, I think that's why I haven't done very much, though I have tons of things I could do around the house.

Fortunately, it's rainy which makes it a good day to stay inside. Rain in Santa Fe is truly a thing of beauty and wonder. It washes away all the nasty stuff and you haven't smelled anything as sweet.


Jeff said...
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Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff said...

What an adorable photo of you and your cousin! Beautiful. What a shot. The rainbow, the lighting, the southwest blouses. The smiles.

I'm sure it can be tough, but maybe you want to be patient with dad. He's had a bad scare. Maybe he's frightened, lonely, feeling his mortality acutely right now. Maybe he wants to spend all the time with you that he can in light of that.

Maria said...

Thanks for saying what you said. You are exactly right. I think deep down inside both Dad and I realize this and it's really hard. I wish my cousin was my sister. We were really close growing up. I think having a sibling would be incredibly helpful these days, but then that doesn't guarantee any thing dealing with the parents will be easier.

I am trying hard to learn to be patient, it's not easy.

NM rainstorms are incredibly beautiful. Growing up it seemed to rain all the time, now, it's almost a miracle when we get a good steady summer rain. I'm pretty sure my dad took that picture with his old Rolleiflex camera.

Jeff said...

My father-in-law is 88 and my wife, who was the oldest child in her family, has no sister, only brothers. Her mother is gone too, so a lot falls on her. She goes through a lot of what you are going through. Since her mother is gone, not only does she have to baby her father, but even her own brothers to some extent.

Your cousin could certainly pass for your sister. Could you reconnect? Is she still around?

Maria said...

My dad turned 81 last month. He's really in pretty good health, despite the few health incidents we had eariler in the year. He has asthma and diabetes, which are pretty hard to live with sometimes but he manages. He worries too much for someone his age and he's starting to slow down. 4 years ago, going on 5, he got sick and that's when he finally realized there were things he couldn't do. Since then, he has pretty much slowed down to where he sticks around the house and doesn't do the things in the yard or around the house that he used to do. He's bored. But yes, I worry, as it's just me. Thank God my mom is in good heath. She's the same age. They were older parents.

My friend with siblings say that it's usually just one of the siblings like your wife and my friend who end up doing the care giving in families. I accept that i have a heavy load to deal with in the near future. I don't like it much, but my parents also have means that I can get some paid home health care if I need it. Yet, the hard still will be mine.

My cousin moved to Arizona. Believe it or not we're second cousins but we've been mistaken for sisters before. She and I lead very different lives, but we're still very close and fond of each other.

Her mom is a character. :-)

Fortunately, I have some in-town cousins who are really a great support system and have of course offered to help me in anything I need. So, I'm grateful that I have people to lean on, if I need them.