Tuesday, April 8, 2008

My Own Dark Night.

I'm having bouts of sleepless nights and PMS. I hate the way my hormones make me feel. I've always had PMS. I either get moody or sad, lately I've been more prone to sadness. Tonight has been especially hard. He left nearly two years ago. While I loved him, he didn't love me, and I know and accept this. Still... it hurts so bad when one person is in love and the other isn't. It's stupid and foolish but every now and then he creeps into my mind and it makes me sad to think about him. I know he wasn't the one but at the time I thought he was. I loved hearing his voice, I loved how he would ask me if I had a good day and how he'd listen to me as I told him. I miss how he'd just ask me to lunch for no real reason and I loved talking to him for hours. God, I liked being in love. It was like tasting chocolate for the first time, smelling rain on a late summer's afternoon, walking barefoot through thick, green grass and I wonder if I'll ever feel that again?

I really hated who I became after it all fell apart. I hate that I acted like a spurned girl, who kept begging him for answers, answers he didn't have. I hate it that it took me so long to get over him and I hate that I think about him now.

I should really try to go back to sleep, but my brain doesn't want to shut down. I'm worried about both things irrational and rational. Money mostly. I really do wish the job at the paper had panned out, even though it wasn't writing, it was a newspaper job. I loved the environment, the paycheck and the feeling that I was doing something productive. I need to call and make an appointment with the editor. I could do some freelance writing and it's foolish for me to be so scared. I'm a good writer, especially when I work at it. It's the one thing I love and I don't want to fail. I'm tired of disappointments.

Right now, the longing for a baby is especially achy right now. I'm almost too old. Rationally, I know it's not true, but I'm afraid that it's almost too late too. I hate that I'm finding that I have regrets in my life now.

Oh man, I don't want to go to my office meeting tomorrow. It will be the same old, same old and quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Nothing is motivating me right now. No one can convince me that the market is ok. I will call the editor tomorrow. I have to. Writing is the only thing I know how to do and want to do.

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