I totally feel like the world is falling apart. It's not political. It's not religious. It's not romantic. And I still have no control over it.
I don't do many poor little old me posts over here, so bear with me. Lately, it's a wonder I have any readers of my LJ. It seems like I'm making lots of PLOM posts.
That's my dad and me and my great-uncle's horse. It was one of those moments I mostly remember in stories. Apparently I was scared to death of the horse. Funny, because I grew up loving horses. Though, I was never fortunate enough to own one of my own. Funny, I picked that picture to go with this post because I'm feeling very much like that little girl today. I'm very scared of what's going on with my dad. For the last couple of days, my big, strong dad, whom I've loved and admired my whole life was not the man in the picture that I always see. He's been forgetful, confused and nonsensical for the last couple of days. He ends up falling asleep in the middle of conversations. It's frustrating and making me incredibly anxious and scared.
I haven't lived with parents since I was 18 but I usually seem them every day. Sometimes, two or three times a day. Often, I feel guilty , resentful and angry. Other times, nothing but compassion. I'm often sad and moody-- when it's not hormonal like today. I'm watching my parents get old and it's wearing me down emotionally. There are times, quite a bit lately, when I want to run away and not deal with my dad. There are times, when we have great days, wonderful conversations and it feels like it did when I was a little kid. The last time I remember having a good day with him was for the feast of the Immaculate Conception. We went to Mass and dinner after.
He's not really sick. His diabetes is under control. He has aches and pains. The thing that worries me most is his Asthma and probably COPD. I really suspect he's not getting enough oxygen and not sleeping. I know when I don't get enough sleep, I feel sluggish, forgetful and off, so I imagine for him the symptoms are much more pronounced, most espeically because he's oxygen dependant. His doctor doesn't believe there's any kind of dementia or Alzhiemers but still, I worry and fear the latter. One of my dear friends is dealing with the latter in her mother and so I know what she's going through and I fear it tremendously especially how he's been the last couple of days-- well few weeks-- I guess.
None of this is under my control and it's wearing me thin. He wants me there all the time. I feel guilty if I do something fun or planned. The thought of doing something that I want or like to do, is something that I just can't even fathom right now. I'm a selfish person-- I'm an only child. It goes with the life-- but I just can't imagine pursuing a particular dream right now. It's probably not something meant for me, only God knows that I think, but I'm having trouble accepting that.
I'm really not looking for accolades. God knows I don't know how to ask for help and I know that while I'm "woe as me", this is nothing compared to what my mother is feeling right now. In the last few years, we've grown closer. Mom and I were always friendly to each other on a basic level, but we also fought like cats and dogs that often I just avoided her. But she's struggling too as she watches the man she married 43 years ago drift away from the man she married. My heart aches and I can't run away.